Three years of trials and thankfulness

It’s been three years. Three years since my life was altered forever by a single word: cancer. I still sometimes feel as though this is all a bad dream. When I’m generally feeling pretty good physically, it’s mind blowing to think about millions of cancer cells floating around in my otherwise healthy body. It just doesn’t make sense. 

These past three years have been excruciatingly difficult. The continuous search for a successful treatment seems unending and is, quite honestly, exhausting. My life often feels like an experiment as doctors take an educated guess on what medications will be most effective to fight the disease living inside of me. Will the treatment work? If so, what will the side effects be? Will I be able to enjoy my day to day life? Unfortunately, none of this is ever known until I try. I also continuously mourn the many losses I’ve experienced because of cancer. I think about all of the things I hoped I would’ve accomplished by now — buying a house, growing our family, climbing the ladder as a nurse — and get angry that a multitude of unhealthy cells have prevented me from achieving these goals and dreams. It's not fair!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over these past three years it’s this: Cancer not only invades your body, it invades all aspects of your life. There’s no avoiding it. It follows you around like a shadow and haunts you when you sleep. Cancer is an evil thing that no one should ever have to face. It is something I hate more than anything else. But cancer also forces me to recognize all that I have and to be thankful. There’s a lot I could complain about and so many things I wish I could change about my life, but focusing on the negative just makes me even more upset. So, in lieu of lamenting my three year “cancerversary,” I have decided to focus on the good and share all that I’m thankful for, despite this difficult season of life. 

To start things off, I’m thankful for my husband. Nolan, you have stuck by my side through the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. You have never once abandoned me, and are always there for me when I need you. I know we never would’ve chosen the cards that have been handed to us, but you continue to support me no matter what comes our way, and that means the world to me. I am SO lucky to have such a loyal spouse. You calm me down in my anxious moments, and remind me not to stress about the little things. You still find so much joy in life, and your laughter is contagious. I never would’ve imagined having to tell you to “laugh quieter” as you continuously cackle at the TV, regardless of the hardships we’re facing. You are truly the best, and I am beyond thankful for you.

I am also grateful for my family. From my parents and siblings, to my in-laws, and extended family, each one of you has supported Nolan and me in ways we never could’ve imagined. We are so fortunate to have families who love us so deeply and are there for us no matter what. There are a lot of people who cannot say the same things about their own families, so thank you! Thank you for being generous with your time, money, hospitality, and love. Thank you for your prayers, encouraging words, and hugs. Although we didn’t choose our families, we couldn’t ask for anyone better, and I mean that wholeheartedly. 

Next off is our wonderful friends (this includes our families too). Whether we’ve known you since we were in high school, or met in the last couple years, Nolan and I are so fortunate to have the best friends in the world! Friends who are there for us in the good times and the bad. Friends to lean on when life is tough. Friends who have organized and attended our annual golf outing fundraiser. Friends who have sent us cards, words of encouragement, and gifts when we’ve needed it most. Friends who feel like family. Our friends are such a vital part of our community and each and every one of you means so much to us. I say this next statement with humility: people often comment on how many friends Nolan and I are blessed to have. While I never used to think anything of this, I now see this is just one of the many ways God has provided for us over the years. He knew we would need the love and support of SO many, and though we definitely don’t feel like we deserve all of the wonderful people in our life, we have graciously leaned on you all for support. For this we are so thankful. 

We are also full of gratitude for Grace Bible Church (GBC). Nolan and I have both said before that if I hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer, we probably never would’ve moved to the Ann Arbor area, and we never would’ve found our church. Finding GBC is one of the biggest blessings to come out of a super sucky situation. Through our church we have found lifelong friendships and grown deeply in our relationship with the Lord. This is, in part, because of the amazing staff who lead our congregation with wisdom and love. Since my diagnosis forced me to stop working as a nurse, I’ve had a lot more time on my hands and have been able to take advantage of that by getting more involved at church. I have found true purpose and joy through volunteering with the worship team and youth group, as well as getting involved with the women’s bible study and our couples small group. Our church community has blown us away with the support so freely given including fervent prayer, genuine relationships, and financial donations. It feels like we’ve known you our entire lives because of the ways you drop everything for us. So, thank you, GBC, for the part you have played in our story. 

While a majority of the things I’m thankful for include all of the amazing people in my life, I’m also thankful for our home. In a different world, Nolan and I would’ve bought a house by now, but we are so thankful to have the ability to rent a house that feels perfect for our family in this season of life.  A house that is close to my family, gives us the ability to host family and friends, and has a big, private yard for Curry. 

This leads me to the next thing I am so extremely grateful for. Our dog, Curry! Nolan and I both agree she is the best investment we’ve ever made. Curry, you bring joy to my life every single day. You keep me company while Nolan is at work, and show me unconditional love. You keep me on my toes, and give the best cuddles! I feel so lucky to have such a great dog as part of our family and one of my best friends. Dogs truly are the greatest companions.

Cancer has also made me appreciate the "little” things in life. Things that are often taken for granted: the changing of the seasons, having delicious food on my plate, participating in things that bring me joy such as a puzzle or playing a game, watching the sunset, going for a walk, or spending quality time with family and friends. I am beyond grateful for the ability to enjoy the things I love. Without extreme hardship and suffering it is often more difficult to recognize that many things we experience on a daily basis are truly a prized possession. I am thankful for this new perspective. While it’s definitely not always easy, I try my best to remember how blessed I am. 

Three years also makes me pause and reflect about how thankful I am to still be here. According to statistics, the average person lives for 18-24 months after their original metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. Here I am, three years later, and I may not be thriving, but I’m doing pretty darn well considering everything that’s been thrown my way. Having a cancer diagnosis has made me never take a day for granted. Just being alive is a miraculous gift!  

Along with this, I am incredibly grateful that even though I have stage IV cancer, I am otherwise healthy. It is so common to have pain, fatigue, no appetite, and a lot of other terrible symptoms. I feel beyond blessed that, for the most part, I feel good and am able to live life pretty normally. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve definitely struggled with fatigue, nausea, a weakened immune system, pain, etc., but these have usually been side effects from my medications or medical procedures. Although I'm frequently frustrated that God hasn’t answered our prayers for healing, I often wonder if He is instead answering our prayers by keeping me healthy. I can only think of two times I have been sick over the past three years and this includes colds. This is unreal considering I have been immunocompromised and we were living through a pandemic! Even more surprising is my liver and other organs are healthy despite the cancer and all the toxic medication regimens I’ve put my body through. The fact that I have little spots of cancer all over my liver, yet it still functions normally is a miracle in itself. This fills me with gratitude and is a huge answer to prayer. 

Finally, and most importantly, I am thankful for Jesus and the hope that is found in Him alone. Cancer really emphasizes how hopeless life is. I hate to break it to you, but whether or not cancer kills you, we’re all going to die. As my good friend and fellow breast cancer thriver, Kelli, says, “I may be diagnosed with a terminal illness, but we’re all terminal.” Death is inevitable. The only thing in our power to combat this is to choose to believe that Jesus came to save us and give us new life. This is a free gift and our only hope! This is why I can go about my daily life with joy in my heart. I may not know the details of what the future holds, but I know how my story will end. 

Recently in church, we sang the well known Christmas carol, “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” Although I’ve heard this song a million times, the third verse really stood out to me: 

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace

Hail the Son of Righteousness

Light and life to all He brings

Risen with healing in His wings

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that man no more may die

Born to raise the sons of earth

Born to give them second birth

Hark! The herald angels sing,

"Glory to the new-born king"

Jesus was literally born to die, so that we may live. Through Christ alone we are given “second birth.” I may die from cancer, but I will be resurrected with a new body free from cancer and all other imperfections thanks to Jesus’ sacrifice for me on the cross. Thank you, Jesus! 

I also love the many attributes of Christ that are described in this verse that have been so crucial to me since my diagnosis. As described above, He is the Prince of Peace. This peace has been so real to me throughout this season of life. When my world has been crumbling apart, I have still felt a sense of peace in my heart that is beyond understanding.

This world is such a dark place filled with all sorts of evil, including cancer, but Christ came to be a light in this dark world. He brings life, where there is death. And finally, He is a miraculous healer. While I have not yet experienced miraculous healing, this is something we continue to long and pray for. It definitely feels as though this may not be God’s will for

my life, but this does not mean he cannot do it. I fully believe that Jesus is capable of complete healing. After all, he literally conquered death. This makes my heart overflow with thankfulness and hope. 

This Christmas season, I challenge you to remember everything you are thankful for. The holidays can be a difficult time for many, but when you take the time to recall all the gifts in your life, it makes you feel so much better. It is also a great time to receive the greatest gift of all: our Savior, who was born in the manger. Merry Christmas, everyone! 

Feel it on the first

It's 2023! Still towards the beginning of a new year. A time for setting goals and resolutions. In keeping with the New Years' spirit, I have a challenge for you. A challenge that is simple, yet possibly life saving. A challenge that will hopefully become a lifestyle change. This challenge is to complete a monthly breast exam.

You may have heard this phrase before, but for those who haven't "feel it on the first" is a catchy slogan to help remind both women and men to complete a monthly breast exam on the first day of the month. So, why not start off the new year the right way and put your health first in an easy and manageable way?

Why is completing a breast exam important?

Being diligent about completing a monthly breast exam is so important because it can potentially save your life. In the U.S. alone, about 41,000 people will die from breast cancer. After receiving a stage IV breast cancer diagnosis, I regret not being more consistent with my self breast exams. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm so young, it's not really that important, plus my doctor completes an exam at my annual checkup so I'll be fine." While my case is somewhat rare, there are still thousands of women under the age of 40 who find they have breast cancer, so it's definitely still important to do. When you make breast exams a priority you will learn the feel, shape, and look of your breasts, so that even if something changes slightly you will be able to detect it and report your findings to your doctor. More often than not, a breast lump is benign, but if you happen to find a cancerous lump, this will hopefully mean early detection which is very successfully treated.

I distinctly remember finding a lump for the first time in November 2020. I thought "Hmm, this is strange, but it's probably nothing." Looking back I wish I would've gone in to see a doctor the following day rather than waiting a month to be seen, so that's why I'm sharing my story to encourage others to be more proactive than I was. While there's no way of knowing if going in a month earlier would've made a difference in the staging of my cancer, it's hard to not beat myself up about it, especially since my cancer is stage IV.

What to look for

While there is no perfect guide for detecting breast cancer -- every cancer is different -- there are general things to look for as you complete a breast exam.

1. Changes in shape to the breast - often described as skin dimpling like an orange peel. There also could be a visual lump or bump that distorts the shape of your breast.

2. Changes in size of your breast and areola.

3. Nipple changes including nipple inversion, discharge, or flaking of the skin around the nipple.

Typically cancerous lumps are firm, irregular, immovable, and painless, however this is definitely not always the case. The original lump I felt was painful which is why I noticed it, and I had no visual changes to my breast, so sadly there is no golden criteria. Hence the phrase, "When in doubt, get it checked out!"

How to complete a self breast exam

Step 1. Look in the mirror without a shirt or bra on and observe if anything looks abnormal. You know your body best, so if there is a change you can visibly see (big or small) this is something to take note of. Some examples of what to be looking for include any lumps, bumps, changes in shape, size, or color, and nipple discharge.

Step 2. Use your hand to feel your breast on the opposite side of your body with your other arm raised.

There are different ways to feel and it really comes down to preference, but some of the most common ways to perform an exam are to circle around the breast and slowly move in towards the nipple, to move in or vertical lines across the breast, or to complete a wedge like pattern where you visually divide the breast into pie segments and feel each section. Whatever method you choose, you should be consistent each month so you have an easier time detecting any changes. Also make sure to feel your armpits as key lymph nodes are located there and can help with early detection of cancer.

Step 3. Repeat the process above but while laying down on a bed. A slight change in position may help reveal different changes to your breast.

Step 4. If you notice anything abnormal or different from your baseline, report it to your doctor right away. Try not to panic as more often than not, a lump or bump is noncancerous, but reporting it right away will at least ensure you get seen by a physician soon and have further testing done.

I hope this was informative and helpful! And again... don't forget to feel it on the first!!!

The Christmas Hope

The Christmas season is one of my favorite times of year. With so much anticipation for Christmas day, most people’s spirits tend to be filled with extra cheer. Words of joy, love, peace, and hope are so easily spoken—after all, “Tis the season to be jolly,” as the song says. When I think back on the many Christmases I’ve experienced, I know I’m fortunate to say that the majority of them have been filled with wonderful memories, surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Going to the Christmas tree farm, having special meals together, decorating sugar cookies, and jamming out to Christmas songs are a few favorites of mine. But I know from personal experience that with these special traditions and memories, come times of heartbreak and sadness for some.

Maybe your loved one who used to be around for your favorite holiday traditions is no longer here, or maybe you’ve never had great relationships with your family members, so seeing everyone send out their picture perfect Christmas cards can make you feel even more alone. Or maybe your Christmas will never be the same due to an unforeseen illness such as cancer. No matter the cause of your heartbreak or disappointment there are two things you should know.

1. I hear you and I see you. Even though our circumstances are probably different, I understand why you have pain around this time of year, and it is valid.

2. Despite the loneliness, bitterness, sadness, or anger you feel around this time of year, there is still hope. If you find this hope, you can experience all the joy in the world despite your circumstances.

I never understood the pain that the holidays can bring about until I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer right before Christmas. In fact, it was December 22nd, 2020 when I first received my diagnosis and thought to myself, “Christmas is never going to be the same.” Sadly, the trend of getting negative news around the holidays has continued for my family and me as I’ve repeatedly received bad scan reports at this time of year.

This year in particular has been especially and unexpectedly difficult. Once again my scans showed growth of cancer on my liver, but this time around my oncologist seemed less positive about the future. At this point in time she doesn’t believe that oral medications will be effective, so the plan is to go back to IV chemotherapy. Nolan and I left my appointment feeling devastated and to be frank, quite hopeless. Once again, our Christmas will be tainted by my depressing cancer diagnosis. I’ve found myself thinking “can’t we just have a normal, happy holiday again?!” Oh, how my family and I long for some good news! I’ve also asked myself if maybe God has put us through these trials around this time of year, because there are so many reminders of hope at Christmas time? After all, Christmas is a time in which we celebrate the greatest news of all, Jesus’ birth. A time where we rejoice because Jesus rescues us from our sins and frees us from the burdens of this world.

I was reading an advent devotional by Ruth Chou Simons, and a particular line really struck me. She writes, “Where you set your hope this Christmas season will determine how you find joy.” Since being diagnosed with a terminal illness, I have learned the hard way that there is so little I can put my hope in. All of the things I have trusted in the past—including my young and healthy body and medicine and medical technology—have continuously let me down. Many of my plans and dreams have been snatched away from me and each day is uncertain. The more I hope for a cancer free body, the more disappointed I become. I cannot put my hope in anything but my Lord and Savior or else my joy will be stolen for good.

This Christmas, I am once again reminded that my future is certain because of a baby boy who was born in a manger. Although my body is failing me, I have hope because I know that one day I will be freed from the awful, devastating pain I am experiencing now. My diagnosis may temporarily steal my happiness, but I know I can still experience genuine joy. This is one of the beautiful things about this time of year. As we anticipate Jesus’ birth we discover hope, and with that we receive His gifts of joy, peace, love, and when our time comes, eternal life with him, if we just believe. Instead of letting my diagnosis steal my joy this season, I am choosing to put my hope in God and trusting that He will supply me with all I ever need. This is not always an easy task, but the more time I spend in prayer and in scripture, the easier it is to remember His promises. Maybe the trials we face on earth are what we need to remember that Jesus is near, not only in the Christmas season, but for the rest of eternity. So, for the holidays this year, challenge yourself and ask: Where have I set my hope?