Three years of trials and thankfulness

It’s been three years. Three years since my life was altered forever by a single word: cancer. I still sometimes feel as though this is all a bad dream. When I’m generally feeling pretty good physically, it’s mind blowing to think about millions of cancer cells floating around in my otherwise healthy body. It just doesn’t make sense. 

These past three years have been excruciatingly difficult. The continuous search for a successful treatment seems unending and is, quite honestly, exhausting. My life often feels like an experiment as doctors take an educated guess on what medications will be most effective to fight the disease living inside of me. Will the treatment work? If so, what will the side effects be? Will I be able to enjoy my day to day life? Unfortunately, none of this is ever known until I try. I also continuously mourn the many losses I’ve experienced because of cancer. I think about all of the things I hoped I would’ve accomplished by now — buying a house, growing our family, climbing the ladder as a nurse — and get angry that a multitude of unhealthy cells have prevented me from achieving these goals and dreams. It's not fair!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over these past three years it’s this: Cancer not only invades your body, it invades all aspects of your life. There’s no avoiding it. It follows you around like a shadow and haunts you when you sleep. Cancer is an evil thing that no one should ever have to face. It is something I hate more than anything else. But cancer also forces me to recognize all that I have and to be thankful. There’s a lot I could complain about and so many things I wish I could change about my life, but focusing on the negative just makes me even more upset. So, in lieu of lamenting my three year “cancerversary,” I have decided to focus on the good and share all that I’m thankful for, despite this difficult season of life. 

To start things off, I’m thankful for my husband. Nolan, you have stuck by my side through the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. You have never once abandoned me, and are always there for me when I need you. I know we never would’ve chosen the cards that have been handed to us, but you continue to support me no matter what comes our way, and that means the world to me. I am SO lucky to have such a loyal spouse. You calm me down in my anxious moments, and remind me not to stress about the little things. You still find so much joy in life, and your laughter is contagious. I never would’ve imagined having to tell you to “laugh quieter” as you continuously cackle at the TV, regardless of the hardships we’re facing. You are truly the best, and I am beyond thankful for you.

I am also grateful for my family. From my parents and siblings, to my in-laws, and extended family, each one of you has supported Nolan and me in ways we never could’ve imagined. We are so fortunate to have families who love us so deeply and are there for us no matter what. There are a lot of people who cannot say the same things about their own families, so thank you! Thank you for being generous with your time, money, hospitality, and love. Thank you for your prayers, encouraging words, and hugs. Although we didn’t choose our families, we couldn’t ask for anyone better, and I mean that wholeheartedly. 

Next off is our wonderful friends (this includes our families too). Whether we’ve known you since we were in high school, or met in the last couple years, Nolan and I are so fortunate to have the best friends in the world! Friends who are there for us in the good times and the bad. Friends to lean on when life is tough. Friends who have organized and attended our annual golf outing fundraiser. Friends who have sent us cards, words of encouragement, and gifts when we’ve needed it most. Friends who feel like family. Our friends are such a vital part of our community and each and every one of you means so much to us. I say this next statement with humility: people often comment on how many friends Nolan and I are blessed to have. While I never used to think anything of this, I now see this is just one of the many ways God has provided for us over the years. He knew we would need the love and support of SO many, and though we definitely don’t feel like we deserve all of the wonderful people in our life, we have graciously leaned on you all for support. For this we are so thankful. 

We are also full of gratitude for Grace Bible Church (GBC). Nolan and I have both said before that if I hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer, we probably never would’ve moved to the Ann Arbor area, and we never would’ve found our church. Finding GBC is one of the biggest blessings to come out of a super sucky situation. Through our church we have found lifelong friendships and grown deeply in our relationship with the Lord. This is, in part, because of the amazing staff who lead our congregation with wisdom and love. Since my diagnosis forced me to stop working as a nurse, I’ve had a lot more time on my hands and have been able to take advantage of that by getting more involved at church. I have found true purpose and joy through volunteering with the worship team and youth group, as well as getting involved with the women’s bible study and our couples small group. Our church community has blown us away with the support so freely given including fervent prayer, genuine relationships, and financial donations. It feels like we’ve known you our entire lives because of the ways you drop everything for us. So, thank you, GBC, for the part you have played in our story. 

While a majority of the things I’m thankful for include all of the amazing people in my life, I’m also thankful for our home. In a different world, Nolan and I would’ve bought a house by now, but we are so thankful to have the ability to rent a house that feels perfect for our family in this season of life.  A house that is close to my family, gives us the ability to host family and friends, and has a big, private yard for Curry. 

This leads me to the next thing I am so extremely grateful for. Our dog, Curry! Nolan and I both agree she is the best investment we’ve ever made. Curry, you bring joy to my life every single day. You keep me company while Nolan is at work, and show me unconditional love. You keep me on my toes, and give the best cuddles! I feel so lucky to have such a great dog as part of our family and one of my best friends. Dogs truly are the greatest companions.

Cancer has also made me appreciate the "little” things in life. Things that are often taken for granted: the changing of the seasons, having delicious food on my plate, participating in things that bring me joy such as a puzzle or playing a game, watching the sunset, going for a walk, or spending quality time with family and friends. I am beyond grateful for the ability to enjoy the things I love. Without extreme hardship and suffering it is often more difficult to recognize that many things we experience on a daily basis are truly a prized possession. I am thankful for this new perspective. While it’s definitely not always easy, I try my best to remember how blessed I am. 

Three years also makes me pause and reflect about how thankful I am to still be here. According to statistics, the average person lives for 18-24 months after their original metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. Here I am, three years later, and I may not be thriving, but I’m doing pretty darn well considering everything that’s been thrown my way. Having a cancer diagnosis has made me never take a day for granted. Just being alive is a miraculous gift!  

Along with this, I am incredibly grateful that even though I have stage IV cancer, I am otherwise healthy. It is so common to have pain, fatigue, no appetite, and a lot of other terrible symptoms. I feel beyond blessed that, for the most part, I feel good and am able to live life pretty normally. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve definitely struggled with fatigue, nausea, a weakened immune system, pain, etc., but these have usually been side effects from my medications or medical procedures. Although I'm frequently frustrated that God hasn’t answered our prayers for healing, I often wonder if He is instead answering our prayers by keeping me healthy. I can only think of two times I have been sick over the past three years and this includes colds. This is unreal considering I have been immunocompromised and we were living through a pandemic! Even more surprising is my liver and other organs are healthy despite the cancer and all the toxic medication regimens I’ve put my body through. The fact that I have little spots of cancer all over my liver, yet it still functions normally is a miracle in itself. This fills me with gratitude and is a huge answer to prayer. 

Finally, and most importantly, I am thankful for Jesus and the hope that is found in Him alone. Cancer really emphasizes how hopeless life is. I hate to break it to you, but whether or not cancer kills you, we’re all going to die. As my good friend and fellow breast cancer thriver, Kelli, says, “I may be diagnosed with a terminal illness, but we’re all terminal.” Death is inevitable. The only thing in our power to combat this is to choose to believe that Jesus came to save us and give us new life. This is a free gift and our only hope! This is why I can go about my daily life with joy in my heart. I may not know the details of what the future holds, but I know how my story will end. 

Recently in church, we sang the well known Christmas carol, “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” Although I’ve heard this song a million times, the third verse really stood out to me: 

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace

Hail the Son of Righteousness

Light and life to all He brings

Risen with healing in His wings

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that man no more may die

Born to raise the sons of earth

Born to give them second birth

Hark! The herald angels sing,

"Glory to the new-born king"

Jesus was literally born to die, so that we may live. Through Christ alone we are given “second birth.” I may die from cancer, but I will be resurrected with a new body free from cancer and all other imperfections thanks to Jesus’ sacrifice for me on the cross. Thank you, Jesus! 

I also love the many attributes of Christ that are described in this verse that have been so crucial to me since my diagnosis. As described above, He is the Prince of Peace. This peace has been so real to me throughout this season of life. When my world has been crumbling apart, I have still felt a sense of peace in my heart that is beyond understanding.

This world is such a dark place filled with all sorts of evil, including cancer, but Christ came to be a light in this dark world. He brings life, where there is death. And finally, He is a miraculous healer. While I have not yet experienced miraculous healing, this is something we continue to long and pray for. It definitely feels as though this may not be God’s will for

my life, but this does not mean he cannot do it. I fully believe that Jesus is capable of complete healing. After all, he literally conquered death. This makes my heart overflow with thankfulness and hope. 

This Christmas season, I challenge you to remember everything you are thankful for. The holidays can be a difficult time for many, but when you take the time to recall all the gifts in your life, it makes you feel so much better. It is also a great time to receive the greatest gift of all: our Savior, who was born in the manger. Merry Christmas, everyone! 

Cancer Unfiltered

Imagine the unthinkable: The phone call you never thought you’d have. The words you never thought you’d hear… “You have cancer.” Then the tears you never thought you’d cry. I’m not sure the initial shock of a cancer diagnosis ever goes away. There are still many days when I wake up and wonder if this is all just a bad dream. But the wide array of emotions experienced on a weekly, even daily, basis include much more than just surprise and horror. 

I was on Facebook recently and saw a question posted in one of my cancer support groups asking, “will anyone ever understand what it feels like to be diagnosed with cancer?” Many women responded saying something along the lines of, “of course not, it has to happen to you or a close family member in order to understand the deep pain and emotion. No one else understands.” Though this is valid and often feels true, I thought to myself, “no one said I can’t do my best to try and explain how it truly feels to have cancer.” So, I will try to express the nitty gritty details and emotions that are unique to those closely impacted by cancer and are not enjoyable, but are very prevalent in everyday life. While this is not something fun for others to read, I’ve been using this platform to educate and hopefully help others impacted by cancer, and I believe this will be eye opening to many. I am not asking for pity, just for an open mind and heart to glimpse how difficult it feels to wake up everyday knowing I have stage IV cancer. 

Following the initial shock of my breast cancer diagnosis described above, I experienced some of the saddest tears I’ve ever cried, as well as an anger deep in my soul. “How could this be happening to me!? It’s not fair, I’m only 26 years old with so much life to live!” I couldn’t imagine a worse scenario. While the initial emotions are oftentimes the strongest, this is not to say I haven’t experienced extreme sadness, anger, anguish, frustration, and heartbreak as I’ve lived with cancer over the past two and a half years. I have spent many nights crying in bed to Nolan, my husband, after receiving countless bad reports from medical scans. I’ve had times where I’m so upset, I have no tears left to cry. Maybe it’s because a certain treatment was ineffective, and all of the difficult side effects I experienced were for nothing once again. Oftentimes, it’s because I am repeatedly mourning the “normal” life I once had. 

This is one of the hardest parts of receiving a cancer diagnosis. You have no sense of normalcy. Every plan you once had for your life seems to get thrown out the window and snatched away from your fingertips. For our family, it was losing the ability to have children, not being able to buy a house on our “perfect” timeline, and stopping work as a travel nurse—a career I loved—all because of one diagnosis. One day changed our lives forever, for what often seems to be the worst. In addition to these big losses, come many other disappointments. When you’re in active treatment, you’re forced to take things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. As someone who is a planner at heart, this has been so incredibly difficult to manage. I find joy in looking forward to that vacation I planned, but now I don’t even know how I’ll be feeling tomorrow, or if in a month my treatment plan will change yet again.  Although I've definitely learned to be more spontaneous, take things day by day, and go with the flow, I imagine this is something that will always be especially difficult. Having little to no control over your own life is not an easy way to live and I’m sure many would agree. 

As if depression, and the inability to control your life is not enough, cancer also produces loneliness. I believe this is because of two factors: Number one, it is a relatively rare disease to have in your twenties; number two, the side effects from treatment—fatigue, exhaustion, mental fog, etc.—force you to require more solitude and resting time. 

Before my diagnosis, I would not consider myself to be lonely or secluded. I was fortunate to rarely experience alienation since I was a pretty social person. The comfort and joy I frequently found in confiding and relating to my friends was unlike any other. Nothing could have prepared me for what it feels like to be “the only one” who has to live through cancer. I know this statement is an exaggeration, but this is how it feels. Of all my college, high school, and church friends, I am the only one with a cancer diagnosis. Being the only one in my circle of friends is not fun or easy. There is a barrier that cancer has created that forces me to feel isolated. This is not to say that my friends have not been there for me. In fact, it is quite the opposite! But regardless of how wonderful my friends are and how often they reach out to lend a helping hand or listening ear, there will always be a sense of loneliness, knowing there are no people in my circle or life stage experiencing the same life-changing realities as me.

Another aspect that contributes to loneliness is humiliation. I’ve never been one to love being the center of attention. It makes me uncomfortable for many reasons.  Now, because of my diagnosis, it feels as though I’m constantly forced to be the focal point. When you walk into a room you’re sure to feel as though everyone is staring at you, especially if you’re bald from chemo or wearing a headscarf. It’s as if the whole room is staring deep into your soul and knows everything about you except for who you are besides cancer. By this I mean they really know nothing about who you are, but they for sure know you have cancer and then go on to make other assumptions because of your diagnosis. “I wonder what caused her cancer? She’s so young. I hope she’s not eating sugar because that feeds cancer.” Sometimes I just don’t want other people to know what I’m going through! I long for the days when I could blend in with the crowd. There was nothing unique about me. Just a normal twenty something woman. Nowadays, I can sense the shock and pity in strangers’ eyes when they look at me and put two and two together. This young woman is bald… she must have cancer. 

One reason this is so difficult is because it feels like people treat me differently. 

“I have to beat around the bush because she has cancer.” 

“I can’t ask her how she’s really doing because she has cancer.”

While I know that cancer is a big part of my life - trust me, I’m living in it everyday - sometimes I want it to be the last thing people see when they look at me. There’s Lauren— a wife, sister, daughter, friend, RN, dog mom, Christ follower who happens to have cancer. 

Cancer also makes you feel weak. Weak in all aspects - mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There will be days when you can barely make it out of bed because of treatment. Doing normal day to day things such as going to the grocery store or doing the dishes can seem impossible. Other times you feel as though you can’t handle any more negative news. One more mention of cancer growth and you feel as though you’ll crumble. It’s funny because one of the most common things said to those of us with cancer is, “You’re so strong.” While I understand the intent, at times it seems comical hearing this when I can barely make it through each day without having a mental breakdown, and getting off the couch is a difficult task. Because of this weakness, you’re forced to learn how to rely on other people for help. This can be humiliating and cause you to feel like a charity case. It makes you feel super vulnerable and uncomfortable, especially at first. But with time, you learn that people want to help and it’s best to accept it. 

Aside from all these negative emotions, there are a couple positives that have come out of my diagnosis. Cancer makes me feel extremely humbled and loved. Cancer has allowed me to understand how blessed I am by the amazing community I’m surrounded by. The love and support so freely given by friends, family, and even strangers is overwhelming in the best way. At times, I wonder what I did to deserve such great support. It is the biggest blessing. The way our community has rallied around us and been there for us in all of the many ups and downs is so humbling, it’s hard to properly express our gratitude.

I also do not want to dismiss the new relationships I’ve made specifically because of cancer. I know that loneliness is one of the most common feelings associated with cancer, because one of the first things you’re told to do after you’re diagnosed is to find a support group! In other words, go find some other people who are going through something similar so you don’t feel like a recluse. There is something so comforting, knowing that in reality I’m not actually the only 29 year old woman in the world diagnosed with MBC, and I am so thankful for those friendships I’ve created because of this terrible disease. 

Being diagnosed with cancer is also humbling because God knows all the details of this difficult life path. Even though there are so many things I don’t understand, I know He has a plan for my life. It’s wild thinking that the God of the universe thought I’d be able to handle this insanely difficult journey. Well, actually He knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it on my own. That’s why He blessed me with such an amazing support team and His only Son to rely on. This road is painful, raw, and, real and forces negative emotions to frequently be at the forefront of my life. But through the pain, depression, anger, loneliness, weakness, and humiliation is a God who says, “I am there for you in the deepest valleys.” 

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me and you comfort me” (Psalm 23:4). 

He also tells us, when we are weak, we will be strong.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Feel it on the first

It's 2023! Still towards the beginning of a new year. A time for setting goals and resolutions. In keeping with the New Years' spirit, I have a challenge for you. A challenge that is simple, yet possibly life saving. A challenge that will hopefully become a lifestyle change. This challenge is to complete a monthly breast exam.

You may have heard this phrase before, but for those who haven't "feel it on the first" is a catchy slogan to help remind both women and men to complete a monthly breast exam on the first day of the month. So, why not start off the new year the right way and put your health first in an easy and manageable way?

Why is completing a breast exam important?

Being diligent about completing a monthly breast exam is so important because it can potentially save your life. In the U.S. alone, about 41,000 people will die from breast cancer. After receiving a stage IV breast cancer diagnosis, I regret not being more consistent with my self breast exams. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm so young, it's not really that important, plus my doctor completes an exam at my annual checkup so I'll be fine." While my case is somewhat rare, there are still thousands of women under the age of 40 who find they have breast cancer, so it's definitely still important to do. When you make breast exams a priority you will learn the feel, shape, and look of your breasts, so that even if something changes slightly you will be able to detect it and report your findings to your doctor. More often than not, a breast lump is benign, but if you happen to find a cancerous lump, this will hopefully mean early detection which is very successfully treated.

I distinctly remember finding a lump for the first time in November 2020. I thought "Hmm, this is strange, but it's probably nothing." Looking back I wish I would've gone in to see a doctor the following day rather than waiting a month to be seen, so that's why I'm sharing my story to encourage others to be more proactive than I was. While there's no way of knowing if going in a month earlier would've made a difference in the staging of my cancer, it's hard to not beat myself up about it, especially since my cancer is stage IV.

What to look for

While there is no perfect guide for detecting breast cancer -- every cancer is different -- there are general things to look for as you complete a breast exam.

1. Changes in shape to the breast - often described as skin dimpling like an orange peel. There also could be a visual lump or bump that distorts the shape of your breast.

2. Changes in size of your breast and areola.

3. Nipple changes including nipple inversion, discharge, or flaking of the skin around the nipple.

Typically cancerous lumps are firm, irregular, immovable, and painless, however this is definitely not always the case. The original lump I felt was painful which is why I noticed it, and I had no visual changes to my breast, so sadly there is no golden criteria. Hence the phrase, "When in doubt, get it checked out!"

How to complete a self breast exam

Step 1. Look in the mirror without a shirt or bra on and observe if anything looks abnormal. You know your body best, so if there is a change you can visibly see (big or small) this is something to take note of. Some examples of what to be looking for include any lumps, bumps, changes in shape, size, or color, and nipple discharge.

Step 2. Use your hand to feel your breast on the opposite side of your body with your other arm raised.

There are different ways to feel and it really comes down to preference, but some of the most common ways to perform an exam are to circle around the breast and slowly move in towards the nipple, to move in or vertical lines across the breast, or to complete a wedge like pattern where you visually divide the breast into pie segments and feel each section. Whatever method you choose, you should be consistent each month so you have an easier time detecting any changes. Also make sure to feel your armpits as key lymph nodes are located there and can help with early detection of cancer.

Step 3. Repeat the process above but while laying down on a bed. A slight change in position may help reveal different changes to your breast.

Step 4. If you notice anything abnormal or different from your baseline, report it to your doctor right away. Try not to panic as more often than not, a lump or bump is noncancerous, but reporting it right away will at least ensure you get seen by a physician soon and have further testing done.

I hope this was informative and helpful! And again... don't forget to feel it on the first!!!