The Christmas Hope

The Christmas season is one of my favorite times of year. With so much anticipation for Christmas day, most people’s spirits tend to be filled with extra cheer. Words of joy, love, peace, and hope are so easily spoken—after all, “Tis the season to be jolly,” as the song says. When I think back on the many Christmases I’ve experienced, I know I’m fortunate to say that the majority of them have been filled with wonderful memories, surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Going to the Christmas tree farm, having special meals together, decorating sugar cookies, and jamming out to Christmas songs are a few favorites of mine. But I know from personal experience that with these special traditions and memories, come times of heartbreak and sadness for some.

Maybe your loved one who used to be around for your favorite holiday traditions is no longer here, or maybe you’ve never had great relationships with your family members, so seeing everyone send out their picture perfect Christmas cards can make you feel even more alone. Or maybe your Christmas will never be the same due to an unforeseen illness such as cancer. No matter the cause of your heartbreak or disappointment there are two things you should know.

1. I hear you and I see you. Even though our circumstances are probably different, I understand why you have pain around this time of year, and it is valid.

2. Despite the loneliness, bitterness, sadness, or anger you feel around this time of year, there is still hope. If you find this hope, you can experience all the joy in the world despite your circumstances.

I never understood the pain that the holidays can bring about until I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer right before Christmas. In fact, it was December 22nd, 2020 when I first received my diagnosis and thought to myself, “Christmas is never going to be the same.” Sadly, the trend of getting negative news around the holidays has continued for my family and me as I’ve repeatedly received bad scan reports at this time of year.

This year in particular has been especially and unexpectedly difficult. Once again my scans showed growth of cancer on my liver, but this time around my oncologist seemed less positive about the future. At this point in time she doesn’t believe that oral medications will be effective, so the plan is to go back to IV chemotherapy. Nolan and I left my appointment feeling devastated and to be frank, quite hopeless. Once again, our Christmas will be tainted by my depressing cancer diagnosis. I’ve found myself thinking “can’t we just have a normal, happy holiday again?!” Oh, how my family and I long for some good news! I’ve also asked myself if maybe God has put us through these trials around this time of year, because there are so many reminders of hope at Christmas time? After all, Christmas is a time in which we celebrate the greatest news of all, Jesus’ birth. A time where we rejoice because Jesus rescues us from our sins and frees us from the burdens of this world.

I was reading an advent devotional by Ruth Chou Simons, and a particular line really struck me. She writes, “Where you set your hope this Christmas season will determine how you find joy.” Since being diagnosed with a terminal illness, I have learned the hard way that there is so little I can put my hope in. All of the things I have trusted in the past—including my young and healthy body and medicine and medical technology—have continuously let me down. Many of my plans and dreams have been snatched away from me and each day is uncertain. The more I hope for a cancer free body, the more disappointed I become. I cannot put my hope in anything but my Lord and Savior or else my joy will be stolen for good.

This Christmas, I am once again reminded that my future is certain because of a baby boy who was born in a manger. Although my body is failing me, I have hope because I know that one day I will be freed from the awful, devastating pain I am experiencing now. My diagnosis may temporarily steal my happiness, but I know I can still experience genuine joy. This is one of the beautiful things about this time of year. As we anticipate Jesus’ birth we discover hope, and with that we receive His gifts of joy, peace, love, and when our time comes, eternal life with him, if we just believe. Instead of letting my diagnosis steal my joy this season, I am choosing to put my hope in God and trusting that He will supply me with all I ever need. This is not always an easy task, but the more time I spend in prayer and in scripture, the easier it is to remember His promises. Maybe the trials we face on earth are what we need to remember that Jesus is near, not only in the Christmas season, but for the rest of eternity. So, for the holidays this year, challenge yourself and ask: Where have I set my hope?

No hair, not fair

There's somewhat of a stigma when it comes to being bald in our society. No one wants to be accused of balding, let alone look like Mr. Clean, especially at a young age, but if you're a woman, being bald is just out of the question! I specifically remember watching the movie, My Sister's Keeper when I was in high school and thinking, “If I had a sister who had cancer, would I be willing to shave my head?" Followed by the thought, "Good thing I don't have a sister, cause I would never want to shave my head!!!" As petty as this sounds, I think it's a much more common thought than people like to admit. I don’t think I personally know one woman who would voluntarily shave her head and lose all her hair. And I'm not talking about a stylish buzz cut or shorter hairdo. No—hair completely gone, all you're left with is a shiny egg head. Not sure why my memory of watching My Sister's Keeper so many years ago sticks in my head, but after receiving a very unexpected cancer diagnosis myself, I had to kind of laugh at the irony. Who in their right mind, ever thinks they're going to have to go through chemo and lose their hair, let alone receive a cancer diagnosis, especially in their 20's (or ever)?! No one!!! I say all of this because today marks one year since my last day of chemotherapy—one full year of hair growth!!! So, I thought it would be fitting to talk about hair loss with chemo. The good, the bad, and the ugly (yes, there's a tiny bit of good that comes with hair loss).

I'd like to say that losing my hair was just another part of having cancer, but it's so much more than that! I have vivid images in my head of the moment I realized chemo had started to take my hair. I was trying to be proactive and buy a wig in advance that matched my natural hair color and style, and while I'm sitting in the salon chair at the shop, the store owner casually goes, "oh, looks like you're already starting to lose your hair!" The way she nonchalantly mentioned it as she was handing me wigs to try on still boggles my mind. Yes, I was at a wig store for a reason, and yes, she works with balding people all the time, but you cannot just casually tell a 26 year old woman, "oh, looks like your hair's already starting to fall out" and act like it's nothing. I remember sitting in that chair, looking in the mirror at myself, and trying to hold back tears with everything in me. It's one thing to know, maybe even expect, that your hair is going to fall out, but it's another thing to actually see it happening right in front of you for the first time and try to process it. From that moment on, I knew that losing my hair was going to be excruciatingly difficult and painful for me.

So if you're going through chemo, and experiencing similar feelings, please know you're not alone! I know for me, it took weeks, maybe even months to fully mourn the loss of my hair. It's no joke when I say I think I cried the most consecutive days in a row when my hair was falling out. There's a chance I cried about my hair more than when I originally received my diagnosis. This may seem crazy to some people, but let me explain some of the reasons why this experience was so painful. Number one: the reality of having cancer finally hit me. Although the first few weeks and months after receiving a cancer diagnosis contain many emotional ups and downs, losing my hair made me feel like a true cancer patient. Yes, I'd already been to what felt like a million appointments and counting, as well as had multiple scans, pokes, and prods but up until this point, when I looked in the mirror, I still saw myself. After that noticeable first clump of hair falling out in the wig store, I was afraid to look in the mirror. Not only was I afraid of what I'd see physically, but I was also afraid of the new reality that was my life. Number two: I felt like I was losing a part of who I was. You may think, "oh, it's just hair, and people cut their hair all the time, so why is it such a big deal?" But if you grow up and have had long, beautiful hair most of your life, it's a huge change!! Also, not trying to toot my own horn, but I had people compliment me on my thick, long, curly hair all the time! Random strangers would come up to me and comment on how lucky I was to have such gorgeous hair, and while I appreciated their kind words, I think it made losing my hair that much harder. It felt like a big part of the way people identified me was being taken away, and I thought people weren't going to look at me the same way again. Rather than being a normal looking girl, who happened to be blessed with nice hair, I was now going to be looked at as a bald girl and could immediately read peoples' thoughts as they labeled me as someone with cancer. Number three: I actually liked my hair! It made me feel beautiful, and without it, a lot of my confidence was lost.

About a week after my experience at the wig shop was when my hair really started to fall out, and I mean clumps and clumps of hair everywhere. Every time I took a shower, I sobbed because I could see a part of me being washed down the drain. In fact, it was so emotionally painful for me, I could not get myself to shower. So, in my extremely vulnerable state, I cried as my loving husband, Nolan, helped shower me and wash what was left of my hair. It was at this point when I knew something had to be done. I couldn't keep slowly watching my hair fall out each day. I needed to rip the Band-Aid off. So, with tears, I told my family I needed to shave my head to get the pain (both physically and mentally) over with.

I will never forget how, in the spur of the moment, my only friend in the area (at the time) came running over to be with me and support me in this emotional time. With the help of Nolan, my parents, and my friend, Murphy, we shaved my head. I felt so exposed and weak, but I had my loved ones there embracing me and holding my hand, telling me it was going to be okay.

This may seem completely depressing, and while it is, there is more to the story (this is where the "good" of hair loss comes in). A couple weeks back, before chemo started to cause my hair to fall out, my mom had the idea to invite some of my friends over to hang out, and to celebrate me as I cut my long hair, to a shorter length above my shoulders. I loved this idea and asked some girls if anyone would be interested, and of course, my amazing girlfriends said yes in a heartbeat! One of my friends had the idea to have the ladies dye their hair pink in support of me and breast cancer. I was so flattered by this and loved the idea. My sweet husband, brothers, and dad all wanted to join in on the fun so they shaved their heads in support as well. It was one big hair dyeing, head shaving party! And let me tell you, I felt so loved and supported by some of the people I love most in this world. I will never forget how fortunate I felt in that moment, that I had multiple people in my corner who were there for me and willing to do whatever it took to make me feel better. While I realize I am extremely blessed with the support system I have, I would recommend to anyone going through chemo to rally your people to be there for you. Whether or not they shave their heads is up to them (no, I did not ask my amazing family to do that, they offered), but just having some friends or family around for moral support is so helpful. It was also recommended to me to cut my hair shorter before I started chemo because not only can having long hair cause more physical pain when your hair is falling out but it can be so helpful to ease yourself into the idea that you're going to look and feel a whole lot different. Another thing we did to celebrate this moment was take some before and after pictures (shown below). I'm blessed with a photographer as a mother so while that may help, even just taking a few photos to reminisce on the day is a great idea.

While cutting my hair shorter did not completely take away the pain I was about to experience in a few short weeks when my hair would begin to fall out, it still helped me feel as though I was in control of something in my life, when there was so much that was out of my control. This is one of the hardest things about having cancer - everything is out of your control and you feel so helpless. There is nothing you can do to make your life go back to normal. Throwing a hair-cutting party with friends was a great way to take control of something, and it reminded me how fortunate I was to be blessed with such amazing people in my life. So, if you find yourself having a hard time before you start chemo (which you will), or while your hair is falling out (which you will), or while your eyelashes and eyebrows fall out (which you will), or after you've been bald for a few months and you're just missing you hair (which you will), just remember that you're not alone in these feelings. Chemo sucks and is exhausting, difficult, and lonely, and on top of that being bald sucks! But you can get through, especially with the help of family and friends. And then one day you'll look back (like me), and see how far you've come, and how much stronger you are because of what you've been through. And you'll see a photo of yourself a year ago today—thanks Facebook and snapchat memories—where you're completely bald, and you'll look at yourself in the mirror and see how much your hair has grown, and how much you've grown and smile

Before...

Cutting my hair

Shaving Nolan's head

Dyeing our hair pink!

After!

Last day of chemo!

Done with chemo!

A full head of hair

One full year of hair growth!

When the mountain seems immovable how do I still believe?

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel that life will never get better? That there's no hope left? This was me about a year ago. My life was completely turned around after receiving a stage IV breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 26. For awhile, all I could think about was that once this disease is deemed stage IV, or metastatic, it's incurable, a death sentence waiting to happen. While I pray I'm an outlier in the life expectancy statistics for metastatic breast cancer (three-five years after diagnosis), there is still a chance I'm not. As you can imagine, this is not fun to think about. Yet here I am, over a year later, surviving and thriving as I try to live my life as best as I can while facing a terminal illness. And while I definitely have my days of doubt, frustration, sadness, and hopelessness, I've found that I can still find happiness in life because there are many wonderful things I've been blessed with. This often surprises people. Whether or not they're facing a terminal illness themselves, they wonder and ask me these questions. How are you so strong and joyful all the time? How do you have faith when your situation is so distressing? How do you believe that God is good when he doesn't heal you? While the answers to these questions are complicated and require a deep trust unlike any other, I can say without a doubt that the one thing that has been made clear to me throughout my entire life, and especially through my crappy cancer diagnosis is that God is good and faithful.

One tangible way I know this is because I've experienced strength and peace unlike any other. People frequently tell me I handle my situation so well, and while I take these words as a compliment, I know the strength I'm portraying is something I could never muster up on my own. When I think about the first few weeks and months after my diagnosis, I think about the horrible thoughts and feelings I was experiencing on a daily basis. The cries of extreme disappointment, hurt, and anger. The questions of why and how did this happen to me. The frustrations of how unfair my situation is. The feelings that I was completely alone and that God had forsaken me. There were flashes in time that seemed to freeze and will stick in my memory forever because of the raw emotion and despair I felt in those moments. I specifically remember shortly after moving back to Michigan and seeing my Grand Rapids' friends for the first time since diagnosis. At that point in time, I had just found out that there was a questionable spot on my liver according to my PET scan. Up until this point I was just trying to get over the fact that I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26 years old, but then on top of that, there was the chance that my cancer had spread. I remember sitting in my friend's kitchen, mourning this news with some of my best friends. Not only was I completely devastated, but I felt as though my body was failing me, and all of the unique qualities that make me a woman were being taken away from me and causing me extreme pain. Expressing these thoughts may have been some of the most vulnerable words I have spoken, but I knew I needed my friends and could rely on them to help support me and pray for me. Looking back, I'm so relieved I never have to relive those emotional moments. Many people had told me things would get better, and that the first few months after diagnosis were the hardest, but I didn't believe them. How could my life get better when I was diagnosed with a terminal illness? With stage IV cancer.

I am happy to say they were right. It does get easier. While time definitely helps, I know that the peace, strength, and sense of hope I've come to experience is no coincidence. The Lord has truly shown Himself to me through these difficult times as I've learned how to rely on Him completely. I have never spent as much time in prayer or in His word as I have over this past year. I hate to say that it took me being diagnosed with cancer to become closer to the Lord than ever before, but it's true. In fact, I've come to learn that even though I will never fully understand why I have to face this awful disease, I know that God has put me through these trials for a reason. Through these struggles He has revealed to me how faithful He is. He has never left my side, and it is because of His presence that I am able to experience peace, strength, joy, hope, patience, grace, and so much more. With that said, there are definitely still days where I feel down, disappointed, and just plain mad about my situation, but I'm now able to recognize that there can still be good days among the bad ones where I feel at peace about my situation. I truly could not live so gracefully with stage IV cancer without the Lord. So, when people say to me that I'm so strong, or I'm handling my situation so well, I know they are seeing the Lord sustaining me, and working through me.

I also know the Lord is good because of what the Bible tells us. Time and time again we see examples of God's faithfulness to His people. Although it can be so easy to read a story and see God's faithfulness from the outside, I can guarantee that the people in the Bible were experiencing some of the same emotions we do when God's timing and plans don't align with ours.

One of my favorite examples of this is the story of Moses and the Israelites as they attempt to flee from Egypt's evil ruler, or Pharaoh, and later travel through the wilderness. If you aren't familiar with the story, here's a brief synopsis: As an adult, Moses was chosen by God to lead the enslaved Israelites out of Egypt. Moses has an established relationship with Pharaoh because of his upbringing and attempts to reason with Pharaoh to "let his people, the Israelites, go" over ten times. Each time, Pharaoh refuses to free the Israelites. Finally Pharaoh's heart softens and he lets the Israelites go free, but even after they are freed, they wander in the wilderness to the land God promised them for 40 years. Can you imagine the Lord telling you that you would be freed as well as brought to the promised land and having it take 40 years?! Not to mention there were many hardships along the way such as Pharaoh making the work harder for the enslaved Israelites, crossing the Red Sea, and wandering in the desert without water. I can only imagine how frustrated, scared, and doubtful Moses and the Israelites felt. And yet, God was faithful and lived up to His promises, even if it took what seemed like forever.

As I reread this story and prepped to write this blog post, I noticed that God tells Moses over three times, "I am the Lord. The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob" (Genesis 2:24, 3:6, 3:15-16, 4:5). Now, why is this significant? I can guarantee that as Moses is facing his doubts and fears and questioning the plans the Lord has for him, that the Lord knows Moses needs to be reminded of His faithfulness. Although, it may have seemed impossible to lead the Israelites out of slavery, God reminds Moses that He was faithful to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and with each of these stories, God fulfills his promises to each individual in His own time. Not immediately!

This really hit home for me. There have been so many times when I've questioned why the Lord is putting me through these hardships and why He hasn't healed me, but I'm reminded of the countless stories of hardship in the Bible and how God never forsakes His people, and is there to provide for them, strengthen their spirits, and uphold them. The best part is, our God today is the same God he was back then, and he will fulfill His promises to us. Hebrews 13: 5-6 says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.'" Even when life deals us a bad hand, we know that the Lord knows what He's doing and can use our stories for good. Isaiah 55:9 says, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This can be so hard to comprehend as, oftentimes, we think we know what is best for our lives. But ultimately, we do not know what the best path is. Even though it may be difficult, if you trust the Lord and remember His promises to you and me, you will experience His love and faithfulness. If you are having a hard time doing so, I encourage you to open your bible and read the stories of Moses, Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob, as well as countless others.

You may still be wondering: if God is faithful and keeps His promises, then why are all of these terrible things still occurring in the world such as war, division, poverty, and disease. It is so hard to understand why a good God would allow suffering, pain, or a complete wrench in your perfect plans. Especially when we read in Psalms that God will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). While we may think of things such as wealth, peace, a good job, or good health as the desires of our hearts, these things will not genuinely fulfill us. They might bring us joy and be a nice addition to our lives, but ultimately we're going to keep desiring more and more and still be left feeling dissatisfied. The Lord is the only one who can truly fill this void we so often experience. So when we read "the desires of our hearts will be given to us," we learn that God is telling us to seek Him first and then we will be completely satisfied.

In other parts of the Bible, we also see that God doesn't promise us a life of ease when we choose to follow Him. In fact, the Bible tells us, "We must go through hardships to enter the kingdom of God," and that "In this world [we] will have trouble" (Acts 14:22 and John 16:33). Although this may sound discouraging, we must remember that God puts us through trials and hardship for a reason. The reason being, that we will cling to Him ever so tightly, and as a result become more Christ-like. Scripture goes even further and tells us to "Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2). It may seem somewhat nonsensical that God expects us to find joy in suffering, but when you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, you will find a peace and contentment unlike any other when you trust in Him. Going through trials forces us to strengthen our faith because we must choose to rely on Christ that much more, especially when we are at our breaking point. In other words, when we are suffering and at our worst, Christ will uphold us and sustain us. As 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness... That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions. For when I am weak, then I am strong." How amazing is this!?

So, when I'm asked the difficult questions written at the beginning of this post, I can say with confidence that even in the midst of hardship, the Lord is my strength and keeps his promises to me regardless if I'm healed or not. In addition, while we may be waiting for God to answer our prayers, unlike many characters in the Bible, we don't have to wait for the coming Messiah, because Jesus already came down to earth to save us. Because of Christ, we have been offered eternal life with Him some day where we won't have to experience any of the pain of this world. This promise alone gives me so much hope, because although I may not know what my future here on earth looks like, I know where my future lies and for that I am so thankful.

Lastly, here are some links to a few songs if you're in need of encouragement. They've been very helpful and relatable to me in my times of hardship.

Songs

Faithful God - I am They https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUaS1Y-jyMk

Same God - Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LawxIZE9ePE

Even If - MercyMe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Trust in You - Lauren Daigle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv-SXz_exKE

Give Me Faith - Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9w6284vC1w