Three years of trials and thankfulness

It’s been three years. Three years since my life was altered forever by a single word: cancer. I still sometimes feel as though this is all a bad dream. When I’m generally feeling pretty good physically, it’s mind blowing to think about millions of cancer cells floating around in my otherwise healthy body. It just doesn’t make sense. 

These past three years have been excruciatingly difficult. The continuous search for a successful treatment seems unending and is, quite honestly, exhausting. My life often feels like an experiment as doctors take an educated guess on what medications will be most effective to fight the disease living inside of me. Will the treatment work? If so, what will the side effects be? Will I be able to enjoy my day to day life? Unfortunately, none of this is ever known until I try. I also continuously mourn the many losses I’ve experienced because of cancer. I think about all of the things I hoped I would’ve accomplished by now — buying a house, growing our family, climbing the ladder as a nurse — and get angry that a multitude of unhealthy cells have prevented me from achieving these goals and dreams. It's not fair!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over these past three years it’s this: Cancer not only invades your body, it invades all aspects of your life. There’s no avoiding it. It follows you around like a shadow and haunts you when you sleep. Cancer is an evil thing that no one should ever have to face. It is something I hate more than anything else. But cancer also forces me to recognize all that I have and to be thankful. There’s a lot I could complain about and so many things I wish I could change about my life, but focusing on the negative just makes me even more upset. So, in lieu of lamenting my three year “cancerversary,” I have decided to focus on the good and share all that I’m thankful for, despite this difficult season of life. 

To start things off, I’m thankful for my husband. Nolan, you have stuck by my side through the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. You have never once abandoned me, and are always there for me when I need you. I know we never would’ve chosen the cards that have been handed to us, but you continue to support me no matter what comes our way, and that means the world to me. I am SO lucky to have such a loyal spouse. You calm me down in my anxious moments, and remind me not to stress about the little things. You still find so much joy in life, and your laughter is contagious. I never would’ve imagined having to tell you to “laugh quieter” as you continuously cackle at the TV, regardless of the hardships we’re facing. You are truly the best, and I am beyond thankful for you.

I am also grateful for my family. From my parents and siblings, to my in-laws, and extended family, each one of you has supported Nolan and me in ways we never could’ve imagined. We are so fortunate to have families who love us so deeply and are there for us no matter what. There are a lot of people who cannot say the same things about their own families, so thank you! Thank you for being generous with your time, money, hospitality, and love. Thank you for your prayers, encouraging words, and hugs. Although we didn’t choose our families, we couldn’t ask for anyone better, and I mean that wholeheartedly. 

Next off is our wonderful friends (this includes our families too). Whether we’ve known you since we were in high school, or met in the last couple years, Nolan and I are so fortunate to have the best friends in the world! Friends who are there for us in the good times and the bad. Friends to lean on when life is tough. Friends who have organized and attended our annual golf outing fundraiser. Friends who have sent us cards, words of encouragement, and gifts when we’ve needed it most. Friends who feel like family. Our friends are such a vital part of our community and each and every one of you means so much to us. I say this next statement with humility: people often comment on how many friends Nolan and I are blessed to have. While I never used to think anything of this, I now see this is just one of the many ways God has provided for us over the years. He knew we would need the love and support of SO many, and though we definitely don’t feel like we deserve all of the wonderful people in our life, we have graciously leaned on you all for support. For this we are so thankful. 

We are also full of gratitude for Grace Bible Church (GBC). Nolan and I have both said before that if I hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer, we probably never would’ve moved to the Ann Arbor area, and we never would’ve found our church. Finding GBC is one of the biggest blessings to come out of a super sucky situation. Through our church we have found lifelong friendships and grown deeply in our relationship with the Lord. This is, in part, because of the amazing staff who lead our congregation with wisdom and love. Since my diagnosis forced me to stop working as a nurse, I’ve had a lot more time on my hands and have been able to take advantage of that by getting more involved at church. I have found true purpose and joy through volunteering with the worship team and youth group, as well as getting involved with the women’s bible study and our couples small group. Our church community has blown us away with the support so freely given including fervent prayer, genuine relationships, and financial donations. It feels like we’ve known you our entire lives because of the ways you drop everything for us. So, thank you, GBC, for the part you have played in our story. 

While a majority of the things I’m thankful for include all of the amazing people in my life, I’m also thankful for our home. In a different world, Nolan and I would’ve bought a house by now, but we are so thankful to have the ability to rent a house that feels perfect for our family in this season of life.  A house that is close to my family, gives us the ability to host family and friends, and has a big, private yard for Curry. 

This leads me to the next thing I am so extremely grateful for. Our dog, Curry! Nolan and I both agree she is the best investment we’ve ever made. Curry, you bring joy to my life every single day. You keep me company while Nolan is at work, and show me unconditional love. You keep me on my toes, and give the best cuddles! I feel so lucky to have such a great dog as part of our family and one of my best friends. Dogs truly are the greatest companions.

Cancer has also made me appreciate the "little” things in life. Things that are often taken for granted: the changing of the seasons, having delicious food on my plate, participating in things that bring me joy such as a puzzle or playing a game, watching the sunset, going for a walk, or spending quality time with family and friends. I am beyond grateful for the ability to enjoy the things I love. Without extreme hardship and suffering it is often more difficult to recognize that many things we experience on a daily basis are truly a prized possession. I am thankful for this new perspective. While it’s definitely not always easy, I try my best to remember how blessed I am. 

Three years also makes me pause and reflect about how thankful I am to still be here. According to statistics, the average person lives for 18-24 months after their original metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. Here I am, three years later, and I may not be thriving, but I’m doing pretty darn well considering everything that’s been thrown my way. Having a cancer diagnosis has made me never take a day for granted. Just being alive is a miraculous gift!  

Along with this, I am incredibly grateful that even though I have stage IV cancer, I am otherwise healthy. It is so common to have pain, fatigue, no appetite, and a lot of other terrible symptoms. I feel beyond blessed that, for the most part, I feel good and am able to live life pretty normally. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve definitely struggled with fatigue, nausea, a weakened immune system, pain, etc., but these have usually been side effects from my medications or medical procedures. Although I'm frequently frustrated that God hasn’t answered our prayers for healing, I often wonder if He is instead answering our prayers by keeping me healthy. I can only think of two times I have been sick over the past three years and this includes colds. This is unreal considering I have been immunocompromised and we were living through a pandemic! Even more surprising is my liver and other organs are healthy despite the cancer and all the toxic medication regimens I’ve put my body through. The fact that I have little spots of cancer all over my liver, yet it still functions normally is a miracle in itself. This fills me with gratitude and is a huge answer to prayer. 

Finally, and most importantly, I am thankful for Jesus and the hope that is found in Him alone. Cancer really emphasizes how hopeless life is. I hate to break it to you, but whether or not cancer kills you, we’re all going to die. As my good friend and fellow breast cancer thriver, Kelli, says, “I may be diagnosed with a terminal illness, but we’re all terminal.” Death is inevitable. The only thing in our power to combat this is to choose to believe that Jesus came to save us and give us new life. This is a free gift and our only hope! This is why I can go about my daily life with joy in my heart. I may not know the details of what the future holds, but I know how my story will end. 

Recently in church, we sang the well known Christmas carol, “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” Although I’ve heard this song a million times, the third verse really stood out to me: 

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace

Hail the Son of Righteousness

Light and life to all He brings

Risen with healing in His wings

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that man no more may die

Born to raise the sons of earth

Born to give them second birth

Hark! The herald angels sing,

"Glory to the new-born king"

Jesus was literally born to die, so that we may live. Through Christ alone we are given “second birth.” I may die from cancer, but I will be resurrected with a new body free from cancer and all other imperfections thanks to Jesus’ sacrifice for me on the cross. Thank you, Jesus! 

I also love the many attributes of Christ that are described in this verse that have been so crucial to me since my diagnosis. As described above, He is the Prince of Peace. This peace has been so real to me throughout this season of life. When my world has been crumbling apart, I have still felt a sense of peace in my heart that is beyond understanding.

This world is such a dark place filled with all sorts of evil, including cancer, but Christ came to be a light in this dark world. He brings life, where there is death. And finally, He is a miraculous healer. While I have not yet experienced miraculous healing, this is something we continue to long and pray for. It definitely feels as though this may not be God’s will for

my life, but this does not mean he cannot do it. I fully believe that Jesus is capable of complete healing. After all, he literally conquered death. This makes my heart overflow with thankfulness and hope. 

This Christmas season, I challenge you to remember everything you are thankful for. The holidays can be a difficult time for many, but when you take the time to recall all the gifts in your life, it makes you feel so much better. It is also a great time to receive the greatest gift of all: our Savior, who was born in the manger. Merry Christmas, everyone! 

The Christmas Hope

The Christmas season is one of my favorite times of year. With so much anticipation for Christmas day, most people’s spirits tend to be filled with extra cheer. Words of joy, love, peace, and hope are so easily spoken—after all, “Tis the season to be jolly,” as the song says. When I think back on the many Christmases I’ve experienced, I know I’m fortunate to say that the majority of them have been filled with wonderful memories, surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Going to the Christmas tree farm, having special meals together, decorating sugar cookies, and jamming out to Christmas songs are a few favorites of mine. But I know from personal experience that with these special traditions and memories, come times of heartbreak and sadness for some.

Maybe your loved one who used to be around for your favorite holiday traditions is no longer here, or maybe you’ve never had great relationships with your family members, so seeing everyone send out their picture perfect Christmas cards can make you feel even more alone. Or maybe your Christmas will never be the same due to an unforeseen illness such as cancer. No matter the cause of your heartbreak or disappointment there are two things you should know.

1. I hear you and I see you. Even though our circumstances are probably different, I understand why you have pain around this time of year, and it is valid.

2. Despite the loneliness, bitterness, sadness, or anger you feel around this time of year, there is still hope. If you find this hope, you can experience all the joy in the world despite your circumstances.

I never understood the pain that the holidays can bring about until I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer right before Christmas. In fact, it was December 22nd, 2020 when I first received my diagnosis and thought to myself, “Christmas is never going to be the same.” Sadly, the trend of getting negative news around the holidays has continued for my family and me as I’ve repeatedly received bad scan reports at this time of year.

This year in particular has been especially and unexpectedly difficult. Once again my scans showed growth of cancer on my liver, but this time around my oncologist seemed less positive about the future. At this point in time she doesn’t believe that oral medications will be effective, so the plan is to go back to IV chemotherapy. Nolan and I left my appointment feeling devastated and to be frank, quite hopeless. Once again, our Christmas will be tainted by my depressing cancer diagnosis. I’ve found myself thinking “can’t we just have a normal, happy holiday again?!” Oh, how my family and I long for some good news! I’ve also asked myself if maybe God has put us through these trials around this time of year, because there are so many reminders of hope at Christmas time? After all, Christmas is a time in which we celebrate the greatest news of all, Jesus’ birth. A time where we rejoice because Jesus rescues us from our sins and frees us from the burdens of this world.

I was reading an advent devotional by Ruth Chou Simons, and a particular line really struck me. She writes, “Where you set your hope this Christmas season will determine how you find joy.” Since being diagnosed with a terminal illness, I have learned the hard way that there is so little I can put my hope in. All of the things I have trusted in the past—including my young and healthy body and medicine and medical technology—have continuously let me down. Many of my plans and dreams have been snatched away from me and each day is uncertain. The more I hope for a cancer free body, the more disappointed I become. I cannot put my hope in anything but my Lord and Savior or else my joy will be stolen for good.

This Christmas, I am once again reminded that my future is certain because of a baby boy who was born in a manger. Although my body is failing me, I have hope because I know that one day I will be freed from the awful, devastating pain I am experiencing now. My diagnosis may temporarily steal my happiness, but I know I can still experience genuine joy. This is one of the beautiful things about this time of year. As we anticipate Jesus’ birth we discover hope, and with that we receive His gifts of joy, peace, love, and when our time comes, eternal life with him, if we just believe. Instead of letting my diagnosis steal my joy this season, I am choosing to put my hope in God and trusting that He will supply me with all I ever need. This is not always an easy task, but the more time I spend in prayer and in scripture, the easier it is to remember His promises. Maybe the trials we face on earth are what we need to remember that Jesus is near, not only in the Christmas season, but for the rest of eternity. So, for the holidays this year, challenge yourself and ask: Where have I set my hope?

When the mountain seems immovable how do I still believe?

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel that life will never get better? That there's no hope left? This was me about a year ago. My life was completely turned around after receiving a stage IV breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 26. For awhile, all I could think about was that once this disease is deemed stage IV, or metastatic, it's incurable, a death sentence waiting to happen. While I pray I'm an outlier in the life expectancy statistics for metastatic breast cancer (three-five years after diagnosis), there is still a chance I'm not. As you can imagine, this is not fun to think about. Yet here I am, over a year later, surviving and thriving as I try to live my life as best as I can while facing a terminal illness. And while I definitely have my days of doubt, frustration, sadness, and hopelessness, I've found that I can still find happiness in life because there are many wonderful things I've been blessed with. This often surprises people. Whether or not they're facing a terminal illness themselves, they wonder and ask me these questions. How are you so strong and joyful all the time? How do you have faith when your situation is so distressing? How do you believe that God is good when he doesn't heal you? While the answers to these questions are complicated and require a deep trust unlike any other, I can say without a doubt that the one thing that has been made clear to me throughout my entire life, and especially through my crappy cancer diagnosis is that God is good and faithful.

One tangible way I know this is because I've experienced strength and peace unlike any other. People frequently tell me I handle my situation so well, and while I take these words as a compliment, I know the strength I'm portraying is something I could never muster up on my own. When I think about the first few weeks and months after my diagnosis, I think about the horrible thoughts and feelings I was experiencing on a daily basis. The cries of extreme disappointment, hurt, and anger. The questions of why and how did this happen to me. The frustrations of how unfair my situation is. The feelings that I was completely alone and that God had forsaken me. There were flashes in time that seemed to freeze and will stick in my memory forever because of the raw emotion and despair I felt in those moments. I specifically remember shortly after moving back to Michigan and seeing my Grand Rapids' friends for the first time since diagnosis. At that point in time, I had just found out that there was a questionable spot on my liver according to my PET scan. Up until this point I was just trying to get over the fact that I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26 years old, but then on top of that, there was the chance that my cancer had spread. I remember sitting in my friend's kitchen, mourning this news with some of my best friends. Not only was I completely devastated, but I felt as though my body was failing me, and all of the unique qualities that make me a woman were being taken away from me and causing me extreme pain. Expressing these thoughts may have been some of the most vulnerable words I have spoken, but I knew I needed my friends and could rely on them to help support me and pray for me. Looking back, I'm so relieved I never have to relive those emotional moments. Many people had told me things would get better, and that the first few months after diagnosis were the hardest, but I didn't believe them. How could my life get better when I was diagnosed with a terminal illness? With stage IV cancer.

I am happy to say they were right. It does get easier. While time definitely helps, I know that the peace, strength, and sense of hope I've come to experience is no coincidence. The Lord has truly shown Himself to me through these difficult times as I've learned how to rely on Him completely. I have never spent as much time in prayer or in His word as I have over this past year. I hate to say that it took me being diagnosed with cancer to become closer to the Lord than ever before, but it's true. In fact, I've come to learn that even though I will never fully understand why I have to face this awful disease, I know that God has put me through these trials for a reason. Through these struggles He has revealed to me how faithful He is. He has never left my side, and it is because of His presence that I am able to experience peace, strength, joy, hope, patience, grace, and so much more. With that said, there are definitely still days where I feel down, disappointed, and just plain mad about my situation, but I'm now able to recognize that there can still be good days among the bad ones where I feel at peace about my situation. I truly could not live so gracefully with stage IV cancer without the Lord. So, when people say to me that I'm so strong, or I'm handling my situation so well, I know they are seeing the Lord sustaining me, and working through me.

I also know the Lord is good because of what the Bible tells us. Time and time again we see examples of God's faithfulness to His people. Although it can be so easy to read a story and see God's faithfulness from the outside, I can guarantee that the people in the Bible were experiencing some of the same emotions we do when God's timing and plans don't align with ours.

One of my favorite examples of this is the story of Moses and the Israelites as they attempt to flee from Egypt's evil ruler, or Pharaoh, and later travel through the wilderness. If you aren't familiar with the story, here's a brief synopsis: As an adult, Moses was chosen by God to lead the enslaved Israelites out of Egypt. Moses has an established relationship with Pharaoh because of his upbringing and attempts to reason with Pharaoh to "let his people, the Israelites, go" over ten times. Each time, Pharaoh refuses to free the Israelites. Finally Pharaoh's heart softens and he lets the Israelites go free, but even after they are freed, they wander in the wilderness to the land God promised them for 40 years. Can you imagine the Lord telling you that you would be freed as well as brought to the promised land and having it take 40 years?! Not to mention there were many hardships along the way such as Pharaoh making the work harder for the enslaved Israelites, crossing the Red Sea, and wandering in the desert without water. I can only imagine how frustrated, scared, and doubtful Moses and the Israelites felt. And yet, God was faithful and lived up to His promises, even if it took what seemed like forever.

As I reread this story and prepped to write this blog post, I noticed that God tells Moses over three times, "I am the Lord. The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob" (Genesis 2:24, 3:6, 3:15-16, 4:5). Now, why is this significant? I can guarantee that as Moses is facing his doubts and fears and questioning the plans the Lord has for him, that the Lord knows Moses needs to be reminded of His faithfulness. Although, it may have seemed impossible to lead the Israelites out of slavery, God reminds Moses that He was faithful to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and with each of these stories, God fulfills his promises to each individual in His own time. Not immediately!

This really hit home for me. There have been so many times when I've questioned why the Lord is putting me through these hardships and why He hasn't healed me, but I'm reminded of the countless stories of hardship in the Bible and how God never forsakes His people, and is there to provide for them, strengthen their spirits, and uphold them. The best part is, our God today is the same God he was back then, and he will fulfill His promises to us. Hebrews 13: 5-6 says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.'" Even when life deals us a bad hand, we know that the Lord knows what He's doing and can use our stories for good. Isaiah 55:9 says, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This can be so hard to comprehend as, oftentimes, we think we know what is best for our lives. But ultimately, we do not know what the best path is. Even though it may be difficult, if you trust the Lord and remember His promises to you and me, you will experience His love and faithfulness. If you are having a hard time doing so, I encourage you to open your bible and read the stories of Moses, Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob, as well as countless others.

You may still be wondering: if God is faithful and keeps His promises, then why are all of these terrible things still occurring in the world such as war, division, poverty, and disease. It is so hard to understand why a good God would allow suffering, pain, or a complete wrench in your perfect plans. Especially when we read in Psalms that God will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). While we may think of things such as wealth, peace, a good job, or good health as the desires of our hearts, these things will not genuinely fulfill us. They might bring us joy and be a nice addition to our lives, but ultimately we're going to keep desiring more and more and still be left feeling dissatisfied. The Lord is the only one who can truly fill this void we so often experience. So when we read "the desires of our hearts will be given to us," we learn that God is telling us to seek Him first and then we will be completely satisfied.

In other parts of the Bible, we also see that God doesn't promise us a life of ease when we choose to follow Him. In fact, the Bible tells us, "We must go through hardships to enter the kingdom of God," and that "In this world [we] will have trouble" (Acts 14:22 and John 16:33). Although this may sound discouraging, we must remember that God puts us through trials and hardship for a reason. The reason being, that we will cling to Him ever so tightly, and as a result become more Christ-like. Scripture goes even further and tells us to "Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2). It may seem somewhat nonsensical that God expects us to find joy in suffering, but when you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, you will find a peace and contentment unlike any other when you trust in Him. Going through trials forces us to strengthen our faith because we must choose to rely on Christ that much more, especially when we are at our breaking point. In other words, when we are suffering and at our worst, Christ will uphold us and sustain us. As 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness... That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions. For when I am weak, then I am strong." How amazing is this!?

So, when I'm asked the difficult questions written at the beginning of this post, I can say with confidence that even in the midst of hardship, the Lord is my strength and keeps his promises to me regardless if I'm healed or not. In addition, while we may be waiting for God to answer our prayers, unlike many characters in the Bible, we don't have to wait for the coming Messiah, because Jesus already came down to earth to save us. Because of Christ, we have been offered eternal life with Him some day where we won't have to experience any of the pain of this world. This promise alone gives me so much hope, because although I may not know what my future here on earth looks like, I know where my future lies and for that I am so thankful.

Lastly, here are some links to a few songs if you're in need of encouragement. They've been very helpful and relatable to me in my times of hardship.

Songs

Faithful God - I am They https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUaS1Y-jyMk

Same God - Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LawxIZE9ePE

Even If - MercyMe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Trust in You - Lauren Daigle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv-SXz_exKE

Give Me Faith - Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9w6284vC1w