When the mountain seems immovable how do I still believe?

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel that life will never get better? That there's no hope left? This was me about a year ago. My life was completely turned around after receiving a stage IV breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 26. For awhile, all I could think about was that once this disease is deemed stage IV, or metastatic, it's incurable, a death sentence waiting to happen. While I pray I'm an outlier in the life expectancy statistics for metastatic breast cancer (three-five years after diagnosis), there is still a chance I'm not. As you can imagine, this is not fun to think about. Yet here I am, over a year later, surviving and thriving as I try to live my life as best as I can while facing a terminal illness. And while I definitely have my days of doubt, frustration, sadness, and hopelessness, I've found that I can still find happiness in life because there are many wonderful things I've been blessed with. This often surprises people. Whether or not they're facing a terminal illness themselves, they wonder and ask me these questions. How are you so strong and joyful all the time? How do you have faith when your situation is so distressing? How do you believe that God is good when he doesn't heal you? While the answers to these questions are complicated and require a deep trust unlike any other, I can say without a doubt that the one thing that has been made clear to me throughout my entire life, and especially through my crappy cancer diagnosis is that God is good and faithful.

One tangible way I know this is because I've experienced strength and peace unlike any other. People frequently tell me I handle my situation so well, and while I take these words as a compliment, I know the strength I'm portraying is something I could never muster up on my own. When I think about the first few weeks and months after my diagnosis, I think about the horrible thoughts and feelings I was experiencing on a daily basis. The cries of extreme disappointment, hurt, and anger. The questions of why and how did this happen to me. The frustrations of how unfair my situation is. The feelings that I was completely alone and that God had forsaken me. There were flashes in time that seemed to freeze and will stick in my memory forever because of the raw emotion and despair I felt in those moments. I specifically remember shortly after moving back to Michigan and seeing my Grand Rapids' friends for the first time since diagnosis. At that point in time, I had just found out that there was a questionable spot on my liver according to my PET scan. Up until this point I was just trying to get over the fact that I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26 years old, but then on top of that, there was the chance that my cancer had spread. I remember sitting in my friend's kitchen, mourning this news with some of my best friends. Not only was I completely devastated, but I felt as though my body was failing me, and all of the unique qualities that make me a woman were being taken away from me and causing me extreme pain. Expressing these thoughts may have been some of the most vulnerable words I have spoken, but I knew I needed my friends and could rely on them to help support me and pray for me. Looking back, I'm so relieved I never have to relive those emotional moments. Many people had told me things would get better, and that the first few months after diagnosis were the hardest, but I didn't believe them. How could my life get better when I was diagnosed with a terminal illness? With stage IV cancer.

I am happy to say they were right. It does get easier. While time definitely helps, I know that the peace, strength, and sense of hope I've come to experience is no coincidence. The Lord has truly shown Himself to me through these difficult times as I've learned how to rely on Him completely. I have never spent as much time in prayer or in His word as I have over this past year. I hate to say that it took me being diagnosed with cancer to become closer to the Lord than ever before, but it's true. In fact, I've come to learn that even though I will never fully understand why I have to face this awful disease, I know that God has put me through these trials for a reason. Through these struggles He has revealed to me how faithful He is. He has never left my side, and it is because of His presence that I am able to experience peace, strength, joy, hope, patience, grace, and so much more. With that said, there are definitely still days where I feel down, disappointed, and just plain mad about my situation, but I'm now able to recognize that there can still be good days among the bad ones where I feel at peace about my situation. I truly could not live so gracefully with stage IV cancer without the Lord. So, when people say to me that I'm so strong, or I'm handling my situation so well, I know they are seeing the Lord sustaining me, and working through me.

I also know the Lord is good because of what the Bible tells us. Time and time again we see examples of God's faithfulness to His people. Although it can be so easy to read a story and see God's faithfulness from the outside, I can guarantee that the people in the Bible were experiencing some of the same emotions we do when God's timing and plans don't align with ours.

One of my favorite examples of this is the story of Moses and the Israelites as they attempt to flee from Egypt's evil ruler, or Pharaoh, and later travel through the wilderness. If you aren't familiar with the story, here's a brief synopsis: As an adult, Moses was chosen by God to lead the enslaved Israelites out of Egypt. Moses has an established relationship with Pharaoh because of his upbringing and attempts to reason with Pharaoh to "let his people, the Israelites, go" over ten times. Each time, Pharaoh refuses to free the Israelites. Finally Pharaoh's heart softens and he lets the Israelites go free, but even after they are freed, they wander in the wilderness to the land God promised them for 40 years. Can you imagine the Lord telling you that you would be freed as well as brought to the promised land and having it take 40 years?! Not to mention there were many hardships along the way such as Pharaoh making the work harder for the enslaved Israelites, crossing the Red Sea, and wandering in the desert without water. I can only imagine how frustrated, scared, and doubtful Moses and the Israelites felt. And yet, God was faithful and lived up to His promises, even if it took what seemed like forever.

As I reread this story and prepped to write this blog post, I noticed that God tells Moses over three times, "I am the Lord. The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob" (Genesis 2:24, 3:6, 3:15-16, 4:5). Now, why is this significant? I can guarantee that as Moses is facing his doubts and fears and questioning the plans the Lord has for him, that the Lord knows Moses needs to be reminded of His faithfulness. Although, it may have seemed impossible to lead the Israelites out of slavery, God reminds Moses that He was faithful to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and with each of these stories, God fulfills his promises to each individual in His own time. Not immediately!

This really hit home for me. There have been so many times when I've questioned why the Lord is putting me through these hardships and why He hasn't healed me, but I'm reminded of the countless stories of hardship in the Bible and how God never forsakes His people, and is there to provide for them, strengthen their spirits, and uphold them. The best part is, our God today is the same God he was back then, and he will fulfill His promises to us. Hebrews 13: 5-6 says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.'" Even when life deals us a bad hand, we know that the Lord knows what He's doing and can use our stories for good. Isaiah 55:9 says, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." This can be so hard to comprehend as, oftentimes, we think we know what is best for our lives. But ultimately, we do not know what the best path is. Even though it may be difficult, if you trust the Lord and remember His promises to you and me, you will experience His love and faithfulness. If you are having a hard time doing so, I encourage you to open your bible and read the stories of Moses, Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob, as well as countless others.

You may still be wondering: if God is faithful and keeps His promises, then why are all of these terrible things still occurring in the world such as war, division, poverty, and disease. It is so hard to understand why a good God would allow suffering, pain, or a complete wrench in your perfect plans. Especially when we read in Psalms that God will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). While we may think of things such as wealth, peace, a good job, or good health as the desires of our hearts, these things will not genuinely fulfill us. They might bring us joy and be a nice addition to our lives, but ultimately we're going to keep desiring more and more and still be left feeling dissatisfied. The Lord is the only one who can truly fill this void we so often experience. So when we read "the desires of our hearts will be given to us," we learn that God is telling us to seek Him first and then we will be completely satisfied.

In other parts of the Bible, we also see that God doesn't promise us a life of ease when we choose to follow Him. In fact, the Bible tells us, "We must go through hardships to enter the kingdom of God," and that "In this world [we] will have trouble" (Acts 14:22 and John 16:33). Although this may sound discouraging, we must remember that God puts us through trials and hardship for a reason. The reason being, that we will cling to Him ever so tightly, and as a result become more Christ-like. Scripture goes even further and tells us to "Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (James 1:2). It may seem somewhat nonsensical that God expects us to find joy in suffering, but when you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, you will find a peace and contentment unlike any other when you trust in Him. Going through trials forces us to strengthen our faith because we must choose to rely on Christ that much more, especially when we are at our breaking point. In other words, when we are suffering and at our worst, Christ will uphold us and sustain us. As 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness... That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions. For when I am weak, then I am strong." How amazing is this!?

So, when I'm asked the difficult questions written at the beginning of this post, I can say with confidence that even in the midst of hardship, the Lord is my strength and keeps his promises to me regardless if I'm healed or not. In addition, while we may be waiting for God to answer our prayers, unlike many characters in the Bible, we don't have to wait for the coming Messiah, because Jesus already came down to earth to save us. Because of Christ, we have been offered eternal life with Him some day where we won't have to experience any of the pain of this world. This promise alone gives me so much hope, because although I may not know what my future here on earth looks like, I know where my future lies and for that I am so thankful.

Lastly, here are some links to a few songs if you're in need of encouragement. They've been very helpful and relatable to me in my times of hardship.

Songs

Faithful God - I am They https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUaS1Y-jyMk

Same God - Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LawxIZE9ePE

Even If - MercyMe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Trust in You - Lauren Daigle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv-SXz_exKE

Give Me Faith - Elevation Worship https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9w6284vC1w

Cancer doesn't stop after chemo

Cancer and chemotherapy. These two phrases tend to go hand in hand, but just because someone has completed chemo, doesn't mean they don't have cancer anymore. While you may think to yourself, "yes, I know chemo doesn't always cure cancer," I wanted to bring this to your attention because it can sometimes feel as though others have forgotten I'm still in treatment. Don't get me wrong, I'm consistently blessed by my amazing family and friends, but now that it's been over a year since my diagnosis, I've definitely noticed the cards, care packages, and flowers have slowly started to dwindle away. While I realize this is just a part of life when it comes to hardship, I want to vocalize for my fellow cancer thrivers and me that our lives are permanently impacted by a cancer diagnosis. With a stage IV diagnosis, you don't just stop treatment after chemo. In fact, I will be in treatment for the rest of my life.

Receiving chemo was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I hope I never have to experience the side effects of chemo ever again including the extreme fatigue, appetite suppression, nausea, heartburn, and hair loss. It truly kicked me in the butt. I remember after losing my hair, feeling like a true cancer patient. There was something about walking into a public space, feeling as though everyone was looking at me and automatically knew I had cancer because of my lack of hair, or the headscarf I was wearing. I hated this feeling, and remember fearing that people would first identify me as a sick person, or someone with cancer.

While I pray I never have to relive those moments, there is something about looking like a cancer patient. People were able to tell I had cancer without me having to say a word. And now that my hair is growing back (yay!!!), strangers can no longer tell that I'm going through the toughest fight of my life. They just think I choose to have short hair! While I'm overjoyed that my hair is growing back, my life is still forever changed. There is not a day that goes by where I don't have to worry about what the future may hold, or what new injection or medication I'm going to have to try out next. Just because I'm generally feeling well, and I don't physically look like I'm in active treatment, I still face challenges on a daily basis. Almost every week I have to go to the cancer center to get my blood drawn, receive injections, or meet with my oncologist. On top of that, I need scans every three months to check on the growth of my cancer.

While having stage IV cancer definitely requires more medical attention, I've talked to plenty of women who've had a lower stage of breast cancer and are now in remission who still experience these same feelings. While they may not have as many doctors appointments as me, many others are still on medications for years, and in the back of their minds are wondering, "does this pain I have mean my cancer is back?" or "how long do I need to be on a juicing diet?"

The point of this post is not for pity. It is to raise awareness that having cancer isn't only difficult at the beginning, but is burdensome for the rest of your life; And it can be really difficult once the realization hits that everyone else's lives will move on like normal, whether or not they can help it, and that my life is forever changed and includes continual hardships and stressors despite the amount of time that's passed.

Seemingly Harmless Topics That Can Become Harmful

Coming up with a title for this blog post was quite difficult. The topics I've listed below have become sensitive to me, especially since being diagnosed with cancer, but I know these topics can cause pain to so many other people who are facing completely different life challenges. Everything I share below is from my personal experience, but I do not want to exclude friends and family who may feel similarly towards these subjects. I believe what I discuss below only skims the surface of some of these deep conversations, but I did my best to explain in a short manner some topics that have recently felt like a gut punch.

1. Bashing your physical appearance with statements like..."My hair looks so bad today," or "I look so gross in that picture." One frustrating thing about being a woman, especially in today's culture, is the constant focus on physical appearance. As women, we have become so critical of our own appearances whether or not we like to admit it. I have heard the phrases above numerous times from pretty much every woman I know, including myself. It's almost a habit, or something we feel we have to say if we don't look "perfect." While these phrases bothered me minimally before, I have to admit hearing these things brought me a lot of pain after being diagnosed, especially during chemo. There were multiple times when people stated how terrible their hair or eyebrows looked in that old picture, or even just complimented someone else on their luscious locks or new, cute hairstyle. Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of chemo with little to no hair and really struggling to feel beautiful. I've shed a lot of tears over the past year, but I think the time I cried most - every single day - was when my hair was falling out. I believe in general we should make an effort to minimize negative talk about our bodies, but I want to urge you to be especially aware of this type of talk in front of someone with cancer. You never know how much someone is struggling internally with their physical appearance, and the last thing I wanted to hear is how "bad" someone's hair looks, when I was wishing so badly I could just have hair.

2. Discussing pregnancy/children constantly... While it may seem like second nature to talk about your baby or kids this is definitely a sensitive subject for those of us with cancer, as well as many other women struggling with infertility. Because I was diagnosed at such a young age, I had to harvest my eggs and freeze embryos with less than a month's notice because I needed chemotherapy. Chemo often damages your ovaries and eggs, so it is quite common for women who do not have children yet to go through this process. While I was fortunate and had success with one round of egg harvesting, because my cancer is stage IV, I most likely will never be able to carry my own baby because I will be on medication that prevents this for the rest of my life. I also recently had surgery to remove my ovaries because my cancer is hormone positive, and my young and healthy ovaries were releasing too much estrogen that could cause my cancer to grow. While I know having this surgery, as well as having stage IV cancer is pretty much a guarantee that I will never be able to carry my own children, this is a hard pill to swallow. Especially, because my husband and I would probably be trying to have kids right now if our circumstances were different. Since we most likely will not be able to have our own kids, it can be very difficult and triggering to hear about other people's pregnancies, newborn babies, or even toddlers when that is something we want so badly but will most likely never be able to have. I also personally know multiple women who have opened up to me and struggled with infertility or losing babies. Even though the reason they may not be able to have kids is different from mine, they tend to experience the same emotions and pain that I do. On the other side of the spectrum, I have spoken with many women with metastatic cancer who already have kids, and know they face their own struggles. Having to think about a future where their children may not have a mother is so heartbreaking, so I urge you to just be extra sensitive when discussing your kids. Comments such as "I wonder where Bobby will go to college" or "I'm so excited for Jane to get married" can be triggering if you're wondering if you'll even be around to see that day. This leads me to the next topic…

3. Frequently discussing future plans and how years from now this will happen... I recognize it is completely normal to talk about the future, but I would encourage you to do so less frequently with those facing a terminal disease. One of the hardest changes in my life since diagnosis is being unable to plan for the future. It doesn't help that I'm a planner to begin with. I have truly had to learn how to live days to weeks at a time and it's been so difficult. Even though I may make travel plans, for example, in the back of my mind I am always wondering if I will physically and mentally be okay to actually participate in those plans. Nolan and I also have had to completely change our plans multiple times since diagnosis. Unfortunately, that's kind of how life goes, and it's no fun. One example of this is we were preapproved for a mortgage and put an offer on a house back in the fall of 2020. We obviously didn't get the house, but our plan was to buy a house in the next few months once we completed travel nursing. I received my breast cancer diagnosis in December 2020, and since then so many things have changed. I had to stop working, and as a result, we could no longer buy a house like we had been planning on. I share this information to give some perspective. It's not that we never want to hear about others' future plans... I'd love to know if you're moving, getting a new job, or planning on having kids down the line; but if it is a frequent point of discussion, it can be difficult to take in. I try not to compare my life to everyone else's, but it's so hard not to, especially when I'm craving a sense of normalcy. Along with talking about future plans, some common phrases that have stung to hear are, "I can't wait for 40 years from now when we'll all be old ladies together," or "having your own house is the best.” I know no one says these phrases with ill intent! I just want to raise awareness so others can be sensitive about these subjects.

All this being said, the last thing I want is to make people feel guilty about things they've said to me in the past, or for others to feel guilty when their lives continue to move forward and their good friends' or family members' don't. The goal of this blog post is to somehow try to find a happy medium where these topics are still discussed, but minimally. I also recognize there is a lot I need to work on including not becoming envious of others. This is so difficult, especially in today's society. There are so many expectations today that can make you feel unsuccessful if you don't achieve every item on the list. As a female you must be beautiful, find a husband before you're too old, and have kids "on time," all while working a full time job. It all sounds so silly, but it's true, and I know I'm not alone in this.

One realization I've made through my cancer hardships is that everyone has a unique story, and even though it may seem like some people have it all - the looks, the house, the kids, the job - I need to do my best to avoid comparison as it NEVER helps the situation. Along with this I have been trying to learn and remember that while many people around me seem to be "ahead in life," God hasn't forgotten me - He is still writing my story, just in a different way. It may be the complete opposite of what I ever imagined and that can be so tough to handle, but deep down I know and trust that my story will be used for good.