What to say (or not) to a loved one with cancer

Knowing what to say to a grieving person can be a daunting feeling. I've had times myself where I don't know what to say to someone when I know they're hurting and could use a friend. After being diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, I've now experienced what it's like to be the mourning person who people are trying to encourage; And I've definitely discovered things people have said that are helpful, as well as things that I really don't want to hear. Through my experience I want to be able to make a difference in as many people’s lives as possible. Because of this, I’ve felt compelled to share some advice about what to say and not say to a grieving person. Before I was diagnosed, I know I said some of these things myself, so don’t feel bad if you’ve said some of these statements. The goal is to help raise awareness so you can be as supportive as possible as you walk alongside someone going through a difficult time. (side note... When I refer to "I" or "my" in the paragraphs below, I'm not speaking just for myself, but for any loved one who may be facing a difficult medical diagnosis or life situation.)

What not to say or ask...

1. “God has a plan” or “everything happens for a reason.” This might be one of the most frustrating things to hear. Yes, I know, God has a plan for my life, but that doesn’t make my situation any easier. And sometimes God's plan just completely sucks!

2. "At least _____… Yes, your situation is terrible, but at least you have a great support system, at least you're married, at least you got to be a travel nurse while you could, etc." The list goes on and on. I know I still have a lot of good things in my life, and for that I’m extremely grateful, but it would be nice for others to appreciate the gravity of the situation and recognize how awful having cancer is.

3. "You should try this diet, buy this gadget, see this doctor or therapist." This is a really tough one… Sometimes a cancer patient wants to hear everything that’s out there to benefit their health, but at other times, it can be so exhausting to hear everything that we should be doing. At times it feels as though people are judging me for what I’m doing, or not doing, and that I’m foolish for not doing what they think is best. Funny thing about cancer is there still isn’t a cure for it, and yes, there are many things that are beneficial to healing, but you actually don’t always know what’s best for me or other cancer patients, or there’d be a cure. There is only so much I have been able to change in my life, and it takes time to make these adjustments, just as it would for anyone who is going on a diet, or starting to exercise, or investing in something. Now, all that being said, if someone is asking you for advice on what lifestyle changes they should make, then by all means, please offer whatever knowledge you may have. Not all the advice I’ve received has been negative. In fact, I’ve learned a lot from so many people, and I’m so thankful for that. I would just caution you to make sure you’re not overstepping or giving advice at the wrong time. I’m only human and can only do so much, so while you may have good intentions, in the wrong moment it can make me or my family members feel like a failure.

4. "My friend had cancer and is doing fine now" or "my grandma had breast cancer." While I understand people are trying to empathize and relate to me, it's important to recognize everyone has a different story. I realize people are trying to give me hope by sharing a success story of someone they may know, but if my prognosis isn't great (which it hasn't been), this can be very difficult to hear. Cancer is so complicated and there are many different factors, but often if someone is doing well, they most likely have a lower stage of cancer. It also is so frustrating when people talk about their grandmother (or whoever it is they know above 50 with cancer), because even though it is such a terrible disease for anyone, the fact that I was diagnosed at 26 years old definitely makes my situation unique, and I don't always want to hear about an old lady with cancer.

5. "But you're going to be okay, right?" or "Is your disease curable?" Not only is this awkward for me when I tell you "No, my cancer is not curable, and I may not be alright" but it also makes it very awkward for you. Having to be reminded of this fact is not something my family members and I enjoy reliving. I would instead suggest asking a more general question such as "how are you doing?" (I'll talk more about this below.)

To say or ask…

1. I’m praying for you/thinking of you/how can I pray for you? While this can be such an encouraging thing to hear, and I believe it has many benefits, I want to challenge you to not just say you’re praying for someone/thinking of them, but actually put it into action. I know there have been times when I’ve said this to someone but don’t actually follow through. If you’re telling someone you’re praying for them, chances are they really do need your thoughts and prayers and are probably going through a tough time. So yes, please tell me you’re praying for me, but if you feel comfortable take it a step further and actually pray with me; Or send a card letting me know you're thinking of me, and include that piece of scripture that’s on your mind and it will make all the difference.

2. How are you doing? Leave it all on the table and let me control the conversation. This gives me the opportunity to explain how I'm feeling physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and how in depth I want to go. If I'm doing well, I'll gladly tell you. But if I'm not doing so hot, I may not want to talk about it. Also, asking how I'm doing makes me feel like you understand that I may not be doing the best and that you're okay with this and willing to support me through it.

3. What can I do to support you? Asking a grieving person what they need is so important, because it honestly changes on a daily basis. Some days I need to vent and cry, and other days I don’t want any reminders of what I'm going through, so just ask. In addition, it can be hard to ask for help, even if people directly ask my family members or me if we need help. As a cancer patient/family of a cancer patient we don't want to feel like a constant burden on our friends, so at times we may actually need help, but are embarrassed to admit it time and time again. If you're feeling like you want to make us a meal, treat us to dinner, send us a card, or whatever it is, just do it! That might be just the thing we need.

4. I’m so sorry and wish I could take your pain away from you. Expressing sincere empathy makes all the difference. Recognizing the crappiness of the situation, and vocalizing how much it sucks shows how much you really care. In the words of Nicolas Wolferstorff “what I need to hear from you is that you recognize how painful it is. I need to hear from you that you are with me in my desperation. To comfort me you have to come close. Come sit beside me on my mourning bench.”

5. Don't say anything. Silence is fine when you don’t have the words to say. Sometimes just being with someone during a challenging time is better than being alone, especially if you can offer a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or some type of distraction. While supporting me or your loved one without discussing the hardship can be beneficial, be sure to ask how we're doing on occasion. Otherwise, it can feel as though you don't care which eventually is hurtful.

6. Would you like me to tell you about my/my friend's/my family member's experience with cancer? Are you sensing a theme here? Asking questions can be a great way to read the room and see what I do or don't want to talk about. If you understand the daily challenges of life because you're close to a friend or family member with cancer, it can be exactly what I need to hear to not feel so alone in my sorrow.

Although with grief there never seems to be a perfect thing to say, I hope you find these ideas from my personal experience to be helpful. They may say "words will never hurt me," but I'm certain most of us have experienced otherwise, so do whatever you can to offer encouraging words to someone in a time of need, and it will make all the difference.

How to live life to the fullest amidst a terminal disease

I’d be lying if I said that living with metastatic breast cancer isn’t the hardest, saddest, most challenging thing I’ve ever had to go through. But I’d also be lying if I said I haven’t been able to find joy in life since my diagnosis. Although life has been difficult, I am so thankful I’ve been able to live to the fullest and experience some form of happiness on a daily basis. I want to start off by saying that everyone has their own story and journey, so just because I have been able to find happiness in my life so soon does not mean everyone should/will feel the same. I’d also like to add, if you’re reading this and are newly diagnosed/at the beginning of your journey, it’s probably going to take you a while to find real joy again. When I was first diagnosed, I remember crying almost every day, waking up wishing my life was just a bad dream, and thinking it was never going to get easier. Fortunately, I was wrong! Here are some things I have done to find the good in each and every day, even when life just plain sucks.

1. Write down 3 things to be thankful for everyday. This idea was inspired through my therapist and has been a great reminder to me of all the blessings in my life. Such a simple thing, but a great way to remember there is still goodness in the world.

2. Rely on other people. Whether it’s family, friends, coworkers, or strangers trying to help you out and offer support, accept it. It can be a very strange and humbling feeling to lean on others, but I can tell you from experience that this has been so beneficial to me. If someone is offering a listening ear, talk with them and explain how you’re feeling, or verbalize what you need. I’ve had days where I’ve called up a friend just to chat, so I don’t have to be alone. Nolan (my husband) and I have been so fortunate to see the community come together for us. It’s definitely one of the positives that's come out of this tough situation.

3. Distract yourself through hobbies and activities you love. I’ve never been one to have a lot of hobbies. Because I’ve been unemployed since diagnosis, I definitely have a lot more time on my hands. I’ve always enjoyed reading, but never had the time to read as much as I wanted until this past year. Since I was diagnosed, I’ve read around 20 books which is a lot for me! On the slow, dreary days, I’ve worked on puzzles or coloring books while listening to music. I’ve found this has been one of the easiest ways to stop thinking about my hardships, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed with negative thoughts. I also have loved going on walks in nature. Whether it’s by myself, with my hubby or parents, and of course, my puppies, it’s truly relaxing to get outside and admire creation. Plus, it’s good for you! I also have tried to exercise for about 20 minutes a few times a week. This may seem like nothing, but for me it’s more than usual and is definitely beneficial for physical and mental health. All of these hobbies have proven to be quite therapeutic.

4. Get involved at church (or, if church isn’t for you, feed your spirituality and invest yourself in the community.) It has been so important and fulfilling for Nolan and me to get involved at our church. We joined a small group pretty soon after I was diagnosed with a bunch of young married couples, and they all have been such a blessing to us. It’s so amazing to have a community of believers encouraging us and praying for us. I also started singing as a worship leader and that has brought me so much joy. In addition, it’s so important to take time to pray, or meditate so you can fully process everything you’re going through. Another way to get involved with your community is to volunteer. It can be something simple such as serving a meal at a homeless shelter, or buying gifts around the holidays for those in need. When you see other people’s gratitude for your actions, it is so meaningful. It also can be a great reminder that you aren’t alone in your suffering.

5. Travel! I know we’ve been living through a pandemic, so this isn’t the easiest thing to do, but you can still make travel happen in a safe way! Before I was diagnosed, I was working as a travel nurse in the thick of the pandemic, but Nolan and I still found ways to enjoy the new places we were in. Whether it was going to the beach or a national park, or trying new restaurants, it’s all so worth it. We also have visited Nolan’s family in Washington which is so important during this time. On top of that, we are planning a trip to the Dominican Republic at an all inclusive resort. Nolan and I have never traveled internationally together, and neither of us have been to an all inclusive resort, so this was a must do for us! So, get out there and see the world!

6. Live like you are dying. Although this phrase is somewhat ironic, it’s really been beneficial to me. Each day is such a gift, and I wake up knowing I want to make the most of it; After all, a new day is never guaranteed. Whether it’s having a lazy day, and chilling, eating your favorite snacks while watching Netflix, or whether it’s planning a trip to an all-inclusive with your best friends, do whatever brings you joy and is something you’ve always wanted to do. Just because you’re sick, doesn’t mean you can’t do all of the things you’ve dreamed of doing. (I realize cancer can be physically debilitating, but on the days you’re feeling well, try and do as much as you can within reason.) Even through cancer, I’m checking off as many items on my bucket list as possible!

7. Practice self care. This could mean getting a massage or pedicure, journaling, putting on makeup and dressing up, or snuggling up in a blanket and watching your favorite show. Self care looks different for everyone, but find something that makes you feel good and helps you relax. We all know how busy life gets and taking some time for yourself is vital to be able to enjoy the fun times in life.

These are just some of the things I’ve done to find joy in my life and feel as though my life is still “normal” despite having a cancer diagnosis. I hope you can take these tips to heart and find your own happiness no matter how difficult your situation is. Keep smiling,