What to say (or not) to a loved one with cancer

Knowing what to say to a grieving person can be a daunting feeling. I've had times myself where I don't know what to say to someone when I know they're hurting and could use a friend. After being diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, I've now experienced what it's like to be the mourning person who people are trying to encourage; And I've definitely discovered things people have said that are helpful, as well as things that I really don't want to hear. Through my experience I want to be able to make a difference in as many people’s lives as possible. Because of this, I’ve felt compelled to share some advice about what to say and not say to a grieving person. Before I was diagnosed, I know I said some of these things myself, so don’t feel bad if you’ve said some of these statements. The goal is to help raise awareness so you can be as supportive as possible as you walk alongside someone going through a difficult time. (side note... When I refer to "I" or "my" in the paragraphs below, I'm not speaking just for myself, but for any loved one who may be facing a difficult medical diagnosis or life situation.)

What not to say or ask...

1. “God has a plan” or “everything happens for a reason.” This might be one of the most frustrating things to hear. Yes, I know, God has a plan for my life, but that doesn’t make my situation any easier. And sometimes God's plan just completely sucks!

2. "At least _____… Yes, your situation is terrible, but at least you have a great support system, at least you're married, at least you got to be a travel nurse while you could, etc." The list goes on and on. I know I still have a lot of good things in my life, and for that I’m extremely grateful, but it would be nice for others to appreciate the gravity of the situation and recognize how awful having cancer is.

3. "You should try this diet, buy this gadget, see this doctor or therapist." This is a really tough one… Sometimes a cancer patient wants to hear everything that’s out there to benefit their health, but at other times, it can be so exhausting to hear everything that we should be doing. At times it feels as though people are judging me for what I’m doing, or not doing, and that I’m foolish for not doing what they think is best. Funny thing about cancer is there still isn’t a cure for it, and yes, there are many things that are beneficial to healing, but you actually don’t always know what’s best for me or other cancer patients, or there’d be a cure. There is only so much I have been able to change in my life, and it takes time to make these adjustments, just as it would for anyone who is going on a diet, or starting to exercise, or investing in something. Now, all that being said, if someone is asking you for advice on what lifestyle changes they should make, then by all means, please offer whatever knowledge you may have. Not all the advice I’ve received has been negative. In fact, I’ve learned a lot from so many people, and I’m so thankful for that. I would just caution you to make sure you’re not overstepping or giving advice at the wrong time. I’m only human and can only do so much, so while you may have good intentions, in the wrong moment it can make me or my family members feel like a failure.

4. "My friend had cancer and is doing fine now" or "my grandma had breast cancer." While I understand people are trying to empathize and relate to me, it's important to recognize everyone has a different story. I realize people are trying to give me hope by sharing a success story of someone they may know, but if my prognosis isn't great (which it hasn't been), this can be very difficult to hear. Cancer is so complicated and there are many different factors, but often if someone is doing well, they most likely have a lower stage of cancer. It also is so frustrating when people talk about their grandmother (or whoever it is they know above 50 with cancer), because even though it is such a terrible disease for anyone, the fact that I was diagnosed at 26 years old definitely makes my situation unique, and I don't always want to hear about an old lady with cancer.

5. "But you're going to be okay, right?" or "Is your disease curable?" Not only is this awkward for me when I tell you "No, my cancer is not curable, and I may not be alright" but it also makes it very awkward for you. Having to be reminded of this fact is not something my family members and I enjoy reliving. I would instead suggest asking a more general question such as "how are you doing?" (I'll talk more about this below.)

To say or ask…

1. I’m praying for you/thinking of you/how can I pray for you? While this can be such an encouraging thing to hear, and I believe it has many benefits, I want to challenge you to not just say you’re praying for someone/thinking of them, but actually put it into action. I know there have been times when I’ve said this to someone but don’t actually follow through. If you’re telling someone you’re praying for them, chances are they really do need your thoughts and prayers and are probably going through a tough time. So yes, please tell me you’re praying for me, but if you feel comfortable take it a step further and actually pray with me; Or send a card letting me know you're thinking of me, and include that piece of scripture that’s on your mind and it will make all the difference.

2. How are you doing? Leave it all on the table and let me control the conversation. This gives me the opportunity to explain how I'm feeling physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and how in depth I want to go. If I'm doing well, I'll gladly tell you. But if I'm not doing so hot, I may not want to talk about it. Also, asking how I'm doing makes me feel like you understand that I may not be doing the best and that you're okay with this and willing to support me through it.

3. What can I do to support you? Asking a grieving person what they need is so important, because it honestly changes on a daily basis. Some days I need to vent and cry, and other days I don’t want any reminders of what I'm going through, so just ask. In addition, it can be hard to ask for help, even if people directly ask my family members or me if we need help. As a cancer patient/family of a cancer patient we don't want to feel like a constant burden on our friends, so at times we may actually need help, but are embarrassed to admit it time and time again. If you're feeling like you want to make us a meal, treat us to dinner, send us a card, or whatever it is, just do it! That might be just the thing we need.

4. I’m so sorry and wish I could take your pain away from you. Expressing sincere empathy makes all the difference. Recognizing the crappiness of the situation, and vocalizing how much it sucks shows how much you really care. In the words of Nicolas Wolferstorff “what I need to hear from you is that you recognize how painful it is. I need to hear from you that you are with me in my desperation. To comfort me you have to come close. Come sit beside me on my mourning bench.”

5. Don't say anything. Silence is fine when you don’t have the words to say. Sometimes just being with someone during a challenging time is better than being alone, especially if you can offer a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or some type of distraction. While supporting me or your loved one without discussing the hardship can be beneficial, be sure to ask how we're doing on occasion. Otherwise, it can feel as though you don't care which eventually is hurtful.

6. Would you like me to tell you about my/my friend's/my family member's experience with cancer? Are you sensing a theme here? Asking questions can be a great way to read the room and see what I do or don't want to talk about. If you understand the daily challenges of life because you're close to a friend or family member with cancer, it can be exactly what I need to hear to not feel so alone in my sorrow.

Although with grief there never seems to be a perfect thing to say, I hope you find these ideas from my personal experience to be helpful. They may say "words will never hurt me," but I'm certain most of us have experienced otherwise, so do whatever you can to offer encouraging words to someone in a time of need, and it will make all the difference.